Written in my journal November 12, 2003
"No; we have been as usual asking the wrong question. It does not matter a hoot what the mockingbird on the chimney is singing....The real and proper question is:why is it beautiful?"
—Annie Dillard, Pilgrim at Tinker Creek
"Standing on a street corner, waiting for no-one, is power."
—Gregory Corso, Power
Tuesday, November 18, 2003
Written in my journal, September 23, 2003
Ode to My Car
Oh Dear BMW
What will I do with you?
A luxury car-you are not.
So my sister and I, we fought.
She needed the truck, so get a clue
I wanted the truck, not you.
But I was determined to lean a stick-shift
So I guess you're the answer I got for my wish.
At almost 20 years old, I'm surprised you still run.
But so far I admit, I've had alot of fun.
The clock light's burned out, so I rely on my luck
And the driver's side window is permanently stuck
(added)
The sheepskin seat covers are falling apart
And defrosting your windows is quite and art.
It almost impossible to know when you'll stall
But your manual sunroof keeps me happy through it all.
Ode to My Car
Oh Dear BMW
What will I do with you?
A luxury car-you are not.
So my sister and I, we fought.
She needed the truck, so get a clue
I wanted the truck, not you.
But I was determined to lean a stick-shift
So I guess you're the answer I got for my wish.
At almost 20 years old, I'm surprised you still run.
But so far I admit, I've had alot of fun.
The clock light's burned out, so I rely on my luck
And the driver's side window is permanently stuck
(added)
The sheepskin seat covers are falling apart
And defrosting your windows is quite and art.
It almost impossible to know when you'll stall
But your manual sunroof keeps me happy through it all.
Wrote in Journal September 23, 2003:
Dream of what your life could be, not what it should be. Thrive on passion, hope, faith, desire-but not knowledge, logic, or common sense. Don't "was" or "will", just "be". Life is too short, and opportunities are too fleeting to just ignore instinct- that little voice that tells you anything is possible, anything is feasible if you find the right focus. Who is to tell you what is right? The right person to be, the people to love, the right life to lead, is found in the depths of your own faith.
We cannot judge. That is only within God's power. We can't just avoid judging others, we also can't judge ourselves. And I don't mean just judging in a bad way. We often try to distinguish who is a good person, the right person, but nobody is free of sin. So who am I to judge? We talk about who we are, as a unique individual, yet so often we are caught up in stereotypes. Is it because it makes it easier to figure out who to trust, or who to like? I want to follow my instinct, but too often logic sets in and makes it impossible, and I stay where I am comfortable. But when we leave our bubble of security and reach out, we create change.
I want so many different paths than the life I always end up following. I want to find my soul, not my parents or my friends. Then again, maybe the way I am now is the way I should be. But is it the way I will let myself be? Sure, I am not the same person I was last year, or three years ago. But I will not worry about what I did yesterday. I can't think about what could happen tomorrow. Because then, nothing important will be finished. I keep thinking about the things I could be missing out on when I am in one place, and I realize I just need to "be."
You don't know how badly I want to know you, all of you. But all that seems available is small talk. Aside from contrary believe, small talk is the least comfortable conversation, even painful. But since I do not know what I could say to you, all I have to offer is a smile. Don't think I'm merely being friendly. I really want to know you. I just don't know how to do it, because I am not "one of you." There's a yearning for connection, but confusion is in the way. What can I say to you that would have any importance at all? Please, give me something to say, something more than "hi".
What if one day, I were to break into your group, and sit right next to you, and begin talking about something that interested us both, as if we were old friends? If I were to truly reach out to you for the first time in all these years, would you take my hand? Could all that lost time filled with mere acknowledgement of each other's existence be made up in just a few short months? Can we let go of stereotypes and welcome change after all this time, when only a few opportunities for such a leap remain?
Or shall we keep passing up these opportunities in the confusion of "how things have always been."
Why should it change now?Because it should have been different much too long ago. What are we to do now? Continue to ignore everyone who walks by? I can't let that happen anymore. But I do not know how to make the blur of moving bodies stop. I need your help. I need to know you care also.
There is so much we all have in common, we just haven't let ourselves be revealed, and therefore we are not discovered. And so we remain believing one thing while the truth is entirely opposite.
Yes, sometime there were those moments with more than just "hello." But they were only moments that quickly faded away, lost in cluttered memories. But I wonder if you remember those moments like I do.
I think we once knew there were at least a few things we agreed upon, but everything we thought was different about us outweighed them.
Are we really complete opposites? Or are we just on different paths, yet heading the same way, and unable to notice each other on the other side of the brick wall.
Or is it that we are heading for different forks on the same road, so we just greet each other and don't bother to listen to what the other has to say. Even if that were the case, as long as we're together, let's keep each other company, make conversation to make the journey more interesting, and make memories that will last. And then, we will have something in common. The journey we took together.
Maybe, we will discover we really are headed to the same place, we just have different ways of getting there.
So what are we going to do? Walk in silence several feet apart, or discover our adventure together. Walk alone, or crash through the wall and create a new path where the barrier once stood?
Dream of what your life could be, not what it should be. Thrive on passion, hope, faith, desire-but not knowledge, logic, or common sense. Don't "was" or "will", just "be". Life is too short, and opportunities are too fleeting to just ignore instinct- that little voice that tells you anything is possible, anything is feasible if you find the right focus. Who is to tell you what is right? The right person to be, the people to love, the right life to lead, is found in the depths of your own faith.
We cannot judge. That is only within God's power. We can't just avoid judging others, we also can't judge ourselves. And I don't mean just judging in a bad way. We often try to distinguish who is a good person, the right person, but nobody is free of sin. So who am I to judge? We talk about who we are, as a unique individual, yet so often we are caught up in stereotypes. Is it because it makes it easier to figure out who to trust, or who to like? I want to follow my instinct, but too often logic sets in and makes it impossible, and I stay where I am comfortable. But when we leave our bubble of security and reach out, we create change.
I want so many different paths than the life I always end up following. I want to find my soul, not my parents or my friends. Then again, maybe the way I am now is the way I should be. But is it the way I will let myself be? Sure, I am not the same person I was last year, or three years ago. But I will not worry about what I did yesterday. I can't think about what could happen tomorrow. Because then, nothing important will be finished. I keep thinking about the things I could be missing out on when I am in one place, and I realize I just need to "be."
You don't know how badly I want to know you, all of you. But all that seems available is small talk. Aside from contrary believe, small talk is the least comfortable conversation, even painful. But since I do not know what I could say to you, all I have to offer is a smile. Don't think I'm merely being friendly. I really want to know you. I just don't know how to do it, because I am not "one of you." There's a yearning for connection, but confusion is in the way. What can I say to you that would have any importance at all? Please, give me something to say, something more than "hi".
What if one day, I were to break into your group, and sit right next to you, and begin talking about something that interested us both, as if we were old friends? If I were to truly reach out to you for the first time in all these years, would you take my hand? Could all that lost time filled with mere acknowledgement of each other's existence be made up in just a few short months? Can we let go of stereotypes and welcome change after all this time, when only a few opportunities for such a leap remain?
Or shall we keep passing up these opportunities in the confusion of "how things have always been."
Why should it change now?Because it should have been different much too long ago. What are we to do now? Continue to ignore everyone who walks by? I can't let that happen anymore. But I do not know how to make the blur of moving bodies stop. I need your help. I need to know you care also.
There is so much we all have in common, we just haven't let ourselves be revealed, and therefore we are not discovered. And so we remain believing one thing while the truth is entirely opposite.
Yes, sometime there were those moments with more than just "hello." But they were only moments that quickly faded away, lost in cluttered memories. But I wonder if you remember those moments like I do.
I think we once knew there were at least a few things we agreed upon, but everything we thought was different about us outweighed them.
Are we really complete opposites? Or are we just on different paths, yet heading the same way, and unable to notice each other on the other side of the brick wall.
Or is it that we are heading for different forks on the same road, so we just greet each other and don't bother to listen to what the other has to say. Even if that were the case, as long as we're together, let's keep each other company, make conversation to make the journey more interesting, and make memories that will last. And then, we will have something in common. The journey we took together.
Maybe, we will discover we really are headed to the same place, we just have different ways of getting there.
So what are we going to do? Walk in silence several feet apart, or discover our adventure together. Walk alone, or crash through the wall and create a new path where the barrier once stood?
Thursday, November 13, 2003
hmmm..too lazy to go get my journal and see what I wrote. Today in creative writing we watched BARAKA. when i saw what they did to the little chickens I wanted to puke. If i ever stop this Atkins thing i think i am going to become a vegetarian. or at least be more conscious about the meat I buy. we talked about abstract human aspirations and gave them metaphors in nature. i said
rainbow =victory
rock, ant,leaf=purpose
river=compassion
wind=oppeness
wave=contentment
Talked to the Indiana coach today. Yeah, she seems pretty cool! Indiana, though far away, might not be so bad....we'll see.
Santa Clara stuff is due in 2 days. I have work to do.
Water Polo also in 2 days i can't wait! It seems like whenever something exciting is happening, there's always some obstacle i have to overcome before i can get to the exciting/fun thing.Like finals always are.
OK goodnight everybody My head is spinning. i think too much at night. mostly about stuff i need to do...that i never do, because to cure the spinning i sleep. and once i'm out, i'm out. so yeah, this is me, out.
rainbow =victory
rock, ant,leaf=purpose
river=compassion
wind=oppeness
wave=contentment
Talked to the Indiana coach today. Yeah, she seems pretty cool! Indiana, though far away, might not be so bad....we'll see.
Santa Clara stuff is due in 2 days. I have work to do.
Water Polo also in 2 days i can't wait! It seems like whenever something exciting is happening, there's always some obstacle i have to overcome before i can get to the exciting/fun thing.Like finals always are.
OK goodnight everybody My head is spinning. i think too much at night. mostly about stuff i need to do...that i never do, because to cure the spinning i sleep. and once i'm out, i'm out. so yeah, this is me, out.
Wednesday, November 12, 2003
Okay. Today is....Wednesday. I just talked to the Santa Clara coach about polo. Exciting stuff! It rained today praise the Lord. I love the rain, because it interrupts the routine. It's glorious!! Anyway, I got about 3 hrs of sleep last night and had a good strong mug of black coffee in the morning. It rejuvinates me. A mug o' black coffee makes me think about the stories you hear of like, miners who have their lunch of bread and cheese with a tin mug of thick, strong, black coffee. Yeah, puts the oomph right back in ya. Tastes kinda bitter if not made right, but hits the spot either way. Ahhh.. better have some before I go out tonight. I have some actual thoughts for you guys later, and the highlights of my day in the exciting life of Kate. So I'll catch up with ya after youth group. L8er...ooo i'm cool...i used the number 8 to save myself less than a second. Yeah! I rock!
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Ok i am back. I just finished watching Music from Another Room. I couldn't wait. It's my absolute favorite movie!! Okay, so what did I do today? I got like 3 hours of sleep. As I already said. I went to lunch with Jon and Christine though, to get pizza across the street. It rained. It was fun. I like hanging out with them....something about it is different and good. Had a test in sociology today, kinda worried about how that went down. I still have to take the last test, turn in a couple notebooks and current events. And other stuff for other stuff. Led a small group in youth group- katie streder and her friends. I have a method that works. Add competition and you'll get any kid going. Right, and now here I am, after having watched a movie that makes me want to kiss someone! Haha fun times fun times. My heart is with Sara in Houston, she went without me to Catholic Youth Delegation Conference, and she's having fun without me! Oh, well, God Bless you guys there. Catch you all tomorrow, Time for bed! Oh yes, epiphany....uh....you'll get it tomorrow. Something i wrote in my creative writing journal. won't do it tonight though. goodnight
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Ok i am back. I just finished watching Music from Another Room. I couldn't wait. It's my absolute favorite movie!! Okay, so what did I do today? I got like 3 hours of sleep. As I already said. I went to lunch with Jon and Christine though, to get pizza across the street. It rained. It was fun. I like hanging out with them....something about it is different and good. Had a test in sociology today, kinda worried about how that went down. I still have to take the last test, turn in a couple notebooks and current events. And other stuff for other stuff. Led a small group in youth group- katie streder and her friends. I have a method that works. Add competition and you'll get any kid going. Right, and now here I am, after having watched a movie that makes me want to kiss someone! Haha fun times fun times. My heart is with Sara in Houston, she went without me to Catholic Youth Delegation Conference, and she's having fun without me! Oh, well, God Bless you guys there. Catch you all tomorrow, Time for bed! Oh yes, epiphany....uh....you'll get it tomorrow. Something i wrote in my creative writing journal. won't do it tonight though. goodnight
Okay guys, so this weekend I actually did stuff. Not the stuff I HAD to do, but stuff I wanted to do that was way-overdue. I'm almost positive it was a result of the arrival of long-awaited rain. Yes that's right. It rained. And it WILL rain more!!Anyway, so get this.
On Saturday, i actually slept past nine! And then, oh yes...I spent the day listening to Jennifer Knapp in the parking lot of Uptown Espresso partaking in one of the cherished conversations with Sara while sitting in the comfort of her car before trying to get into my car past a ten-foot deep puddle. actually it wasn't really that deep. and then, i went to linnea's to see a few classmates (Mother Night) rock the house. yea they rule.
then me and sara got crazy and hung out with Ryan and Eros at Denny's and got stuck with a butthead waitress. I only found out later that a dollar was actually the appropriate tip for our bill.Darn her. I wish i could take it back. and then...i stayed at Sara's and we developed more sacred discussions. and played music. and stuff. we didn't stay up till 4 this time, but i did sleep til 11. Then we played more music and that afternoon I had tea with a woman from Turkey and we planned a party. Yeah for culture. I wish we had more interesting things here.
Sunday night I went to Mass and did the Youth Group thing. And then I saw BROTHER BEAR. That movie's awesome! and then denny's again. But our friends weren't there. The butthead waitress was tho, I hope she heard us talking about her. Hey, i'm serious. It was really hard to love that woman.
Sun night i stayed up till 2 crocheting a scarf- I'm over halfway done!
I got up at 11 on Monday, went swimming, jammed at Jonathan's house. Hung out with him and Sara. Then him and Christine. Headed over to Rootamental. That was an experience. Go over there sometime, check out the chalkboard....interesting. Yeah those guys are cool i guess. I'm afraid to go to skate nights. I have Sector 9. I might get shot. Actually i probably will. Had dinner at Jon's. His family's great! Nephew's a pistol, but niece made me a picture! And me and Christine heard embarrasing stories from his sister. Then worship and that was that.
Tuesday i slept again. Watched TV. Organized music. Played music. Didn't do hw. still havent' done hw and it's midnight. Went to dentist. My face was so numb it hurt. Said bye to Sara. Went to first Baptist yg...and I liked it!I like smaller groups like that. Pastor Ron's a good guy.
He talked about friends, how we should surround ourselves with friends who build us up, point us in the direction God would have us go. Encouragement is key. I'm lucky enough to have friends like that. I didn't really not too long ago. But God helped me out with that one. But i need to work on it more. I was talking to Christine, I need to build up my relationship with my Catholic friends. Cuz we have the same goals. At least I think. There's something about it . OUr conversations always seem worthwhile. And i don't like talking about trivial stuff. Good night you all I love you!
On Saturday, i actually slept past nine! And then, oh yes...I spent the day listening to Jennifer Knapp in the parking lot of Uptown Espresso partaking in one of the cherished conversations with Sara while sitting in the comfort of her car before trying to get into my car past a ten-foot deep puddle. actually it wasn't really that deep. and then, i went to linnea's to see a few classmates (Mother Night) rock the house. yea they rule.
then me and sara got crazy and hung out with Ryan and Eros at Denny's and got stuck with a butthead waitress. I only found out later that a dollar was actually the appropriate tip for our bill.Darn her. I wish i could take it back. and then...i stayed at Sara's and we developed more sacred discussions. and played music. and stuff. we didn't stay up till 4 this time, but i did sleep til 11. Then we played more music and that afternoon I had tea with a woman from Turkey and we planned a party. Yeah for culture. I wish we had more interesting things here.
Sunday night I went to Mass and did the Youth Group thing. And then I saw BROTHER BEAR. That movie's awesome! and then denny's again. But our friends weren't there. The butthead waitress was tho, I hope she heard us talking about her. Hey, i'm serious. It was really hard to love that woman.
Sun night i stayed up till 2 crocheting a scarf- I'm over halfway done!
I got up at 11 on Monday, went swimming, jammed at Jonathan's house. Hung out with him and Sara. Then him and Christine. Headed over to Rootamental. That was an experience. Go over there sometime, check out the chalkboard....interesting. Yeah those guys are cool i guess. I'm afraid to go to skate nights. I have Sector 9. I might get shot. Actually i probably will. Had dinner at Jon's. His family's great! Nephew's a pistol, but niece made me a picture! And me and Christine heard embarrasing stories from his sister. Then worship and that was that.
Tuesday i slept again. Watched TV. Organized music. Played music. Didn't do hw. still havent' done hw and it's midnight. Went to dentist. My face was so numb it hurt. Said bye to Sara. Went to first Baptist yg...and I liked it!I like smaller groups like that. Pastor Ron's a good guy.
He talked about friends, how we should surround ourselves with friends who build us up, point us in the direction God would have us go. Encouragement is key. I'm lucky enough to have friends like that. I didn't really not too long ago. But God helped me out with that one. But i need to work on it more. I was talking to Christine, I need to build up my relationship with my Catholic friends. Cuz we have the same goals. At least I think. There's something about it . OUr conversations always seem worthwhile. And i don't like talking about trivial stuff. Good night you all I love you!
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