Finding Fulfillment in the Failures

Preface:
So I prayed that someone new would come to Campus Christian Fellowship tonight. Because I had this feeling that there was someone out there who needed to hear what God was telling me to say who doesn't normally join us on Tuesday nights (*cough*at 9:20 in the commuter lounge*cough*). Then after CCF, I felt the Spirit leading me to write it all out in a blog, perhaps for you, who are reading this, and didn't come to CCF tonight. And, before reading this, please say a quick prayer for me, as I have deliberately avoided looking at the list of things I wanted done before tomorrow until after finishing this blog entry. . .thus the can of Starbucks doubleshot sitting at my elbow.

by the way. . .if the past tense of "pay" is "paid," the past tense of "pray" should SO be "praid"

OK, ON TO THE POINT.

HOW GOD FULFILLS PROMISES
I wanted to talk about this because it is a huge part of my testimony, really, of the testimonies of all Christians. One way God has consistently pursued me is through reminding me, through His Word, of the promises He has made - and fulfilled. And it is through those promises that He makes promises to me. So far, I can identify three specific promises God has made to me, and fulfilled, or is fulfilling, since I was saved. They are what I like to call, for lack of better description, "The Promise for Christian Friendships," "The Marist Promise," and "The Water Polo Promise."

Promise the first:
"The Promise for Christian Friendships"
The summer after my sophomore year in high school, I began to recognize that I was living a split life. Not that it was a life of sin vs. a life of righteousness, necessarily, but I noticed that the friends I had at youth group I never hung out with at school, and the friends I called my best friends weren't Christians. It was a period of relative stagnation in my walk with God. It was as if a flood of His grace had come down upon me, but there was a huge dam blocking it from flowing out into all parts of my life. It had backed up and become fuller and fuller, until it had become a raging and stormy sea.

God was pulling at my heart, telling me that those Christian friends I had at youth group needed to become the people I turned to first in times of trouble, the people I went to for advice, because they could offer wise counsel based on the Word and prayer. But I resisted. I loved my non-Christian friends. I didn't want them to think I was spending less time with them because I didn't like them anymore - because I did! I needed them. They needed me. I was so frustrated because I couldn't figure out what to do about it all.

Then, one night at a routine Celebration service at First Baptist in San Luis Obispo, God began His deliberate pursuit of me through promises. On the verge of tears, wrestling with how to go about what I knew was right but was too scared to do, the following verse shone from the projection during the worship set:

"And he said, Come. And when Peter was come down out of the ship, he walked on the water, to go to Jesus. But when he saw the wind boisterous, he was afraid; and beginning to sink, he cried, saying, Lord, save me. And immediately Jesus stretched forth his hand, and caught him, and said unto him, O you of little faith, why do you doubt? And when they were come into the ship, the wind ceased" Matthew 14:28-31

It was at that moment that God promised He would be faithful in return for my faithfulness. If God was calling me out into the water, what possible reason did I have to believe that I would fail, that it would not result in good? God was asking me to do something important, and promising that He would take care of me, that the storm would cease, and that He would be glorified. But God knew I would still doubt. So He sent the very same Christian friends he had planned for me to ask if I needed prayer for anything that same night. A long story short, He has been faithful. That group of Christians are some of my closest friends today, and I am happy to say that the "non Youth-group" friend who I was afraid of hurting is still one of my best friends to this day.

Promise the second:
"The Marist Promise"

Then came Senior year. And Calvary High School Youth Group. We were reading through Genesis. I was making college decisions. By crazy twists of fate, this random college in a town across the country with a ridiculous name I still can't pronounce right was one of the top choices for college. It seemed crazy - who would leave California to play water polo in New York? I always scoffed at people who moved away from college and insisted I would never attend college outside of California. And yet here I was, facing the potential decision to go to school in Poughkeepsie, New York - where NOTHING happens (or so I thought).

And this time, there was a different verse tugging at my heart:
"Now the Lord had said unto Abram, Get thee out of thy country, and from thy kindred, and from thy father's house, unto a land that I will show thee: And I will make of thee a great nation, and I will bless thee, and make thy name great; and thou shalt be a blessing: And I will bless them that bless thee, and curse him that curseth thee: and in thee shall all families of the earth be blessed. So Abram departed, as the Lord had spoken unto him. . ." Genesis 12:1-4

So, I went.
I would like to pose this question - What are the odds that I would go almost as far away from home as I can get and still stay in the U.S., and end up finding a Calvary Chapel that has connections with a Calvary Chapel near my hometown, with a college group led by people who lived in my hometown/area, and whose high school seniors are AT THIS VERY MOMENT on their senior trip, and in San Luis Obispo? That is just one brief example of how God has totally filled a promise that He would take care of me, that great things would happen if I followed Him here to New York. . .just His faithfulness here alone would take a novel.

Promise the third:

"The Water Polo Promise"
So I came to Marist, to play water polo. But the real reason, in all honestly, was simply because God told me to come to Marist - water polo was just the way He got me here, probably in case I chose to ignore the leading of the Spirit. So perhaps it isn't surprising that water polo didn't last for me all four years. It was an awesome experience, but come the end of my junior year, I had the strongest feeling that my days of water polo at Marist were over. Of course, in my stubbornness, I came in and played for a couple months in the fall semester.

But then the leading of the Spirit was too strong to ignore. I knew water polo had to go. I had no time for anything else. I looked back at my college years, and I realized I had been in the same church for all four years and hardly knew anyone outside the college group. I wanted so badly to be involved in ministry in the church, and the only way that was going to happen was if water polo was not in the picture. So I quit. It wasn't as easy as it sounds; it is one of the more difficult decisions I have made in my life. For a good two weeks afterwards, not a day went by that I didn't consider going back and asking for my spot back on the team. I started to feel unproductive, bitter, and questioning my logic for quitting - I could always find the time I thought, it really wasn't all that difficult, I reasoned. And then I remembered that the rational answers I gave people about quitting weren't the reality behind it all - I quit because God was calling me to something else. I should be full of joy, eagerly seeking the purposes He had for me. And things started to get better.
But it wasn't until the next semester that God fulfilled His promise to me that I would be involved in ministry at the church. At the beginning of this Spring semester, I was asked if I would be willing to help with the Jr. High Group. I was thrilled - that is what I had most wanted to do, but I did not know if it was possible. But it has been possible, and it has been some of the best weeks of my time here in NY. They keep telling me I am an answer to prayer, and I keep telling them that they are a fulfillment of God's promise to me.

Ok, so what are some examples in the Bible of fulfilled promises?
This one could take awhile. . .first, I am going to go back to the reference I made to God's promise to Abraham, when he was still Abram. And now, I am fast-forwarding to the book of the Bible I am now reading in my senior year - of college. Joshua. In high school, it was a picture of a promise. In college, it is now a picture of the fulfillment of that promise. How convenient. Joshua is all about how Israel crosses Jordan into the promised land and God fights for them and they conquer and destroy and wipe out EVERY SINGLE CITY in the promised land. . .and those they did not kill, became subject to their power as servants and laborers. Talk about God coming through with His end of the deal!

*But wait. . .there is a picture of an even more amazing promise to be found here.* Now, to discuss this, it will take much of Joshua Chapter 2. I would just reference the verses, but it has occured to me that some of you reading this may not actually own a Bible.
So here's a link to it online:

Joshua 2:1-24
After reading the Word, continue here:

Does anything sound familiar here? Any phrases catch at you - anything you've seen somewhere else? Something about a scarlet thread, three days in a cave? Let's look at this, why don't we? (I am going to acknowledge here that you should not take my speculations as truth, I could be delusional, but I thought this was a pretty cool parallel anyways).

So these two men are sent by Joshua to scope out the situation in the promised land. They know God's promised it to them, but they have to make sure - they have to know what they are up against, what they will need to conquer these people. So he sends two spies out to Jericho. (Yes, that Jericho, the one the peas marched around with slushies in Veggie Tales). They come to the house of a prostitute named Rahab and she hides them from the men of Jericho trying to find them and kill them. She tells them she has heard of the deeds of their God and believes that the God of Israel is the one true God, and all of the land fears Israel because He is on their side (step 1: belief). She betrays the "land of her fathers" and takes the spies and hides them from the men pursuing them, and then works out a deal with them for her loyalty (step 2: action). They tell her that she must hang a scarlet thread in her window and she and all her family must stay in her house, so that when Israel comes and destroys the city, she and all her family with be spared.

(interesting. . .in Joshua 7, Achan and all his family, though of the nation of Israel, are killed for his disobedience, while Rahab and all her family, though foreigners, are saved because she feared the Lord).

Anyway, so they promise she will be spared if she does as they say, and if she does not betray them - otherwise they will have no obligation to uphold their end of the bargain. And so, it is agreed, and the spies escape by the scarlet thread (i'm thinkin its like a sheet of some sort) - so the very same scarlet thread by which the spies escape death, is the same scarlet thread which marks Rahab as loyal to them (hello, Passover). And then what do the men do? After hiding in the caves for 3 days, they emerge and ride victoriously back to the camp of the Israelites to proclaim, "Truly, the Lord hath delivered unto our hands all the land; for even all the inhabitants of the country do faint because of us" Joshua 2:24.

So there's a promise of God fulfilled to the Israelites. And they fulfill their promise to Rahab. (step 3: salvation). She becomes as one of the Israelites, because she feared the Lord. "And Joshua saved Rahab the harlot alive, and her father's household, and all that she had; and she dwelleth in Israel even unto this day; because she hid the messengers, which Joshua sent to spy out Jericho" Joshua 6:25. (If I am not mistaken, Rahab and her family are the only ones out of ALL the people conquered by the Israelites, who did not end up either dead or as slaves).

Where else does God makes promises in the Bible?
See Genesis 22:8 and well, all of Isaiah. Heck, check out the entire Bible!
God promises time and time again salvation through Jesus Christ.
Are promises always good?
I would argue that's not necessarily so. I would say a promise is anything God says He will do, or any future God says awaits us. What He says will happen, will happen. It's a promise. So I would probably classify the curse after the fall as a promise - a promise fulfilled. But a consequence reversed through a new promise of salvation through Christ.
What does it look like when a promise is fulfilled?
But fulfillment of promises might not always look like we think it will. Think of what many Jews thought of Jesus. They were awaiting an earthly King, one who would lead a revolution against Rome and reign on Earth. But when Jesus came to die on the cross, it was not the time for Him to reign over the Earth, and they did not understand. They were expecting earthly deliverance, not spiritual deliverance.

I know oftentimes I ask God to carry through with His end of the deal. I pray for doors to open and close. But I often finding myself praying that one specific door will open, and one particular door will stay shut forever. And it doesn't always work how I want it - but that doesn't mean God isn't fulfilling a promise.

So then, how do we know a promise has been fulfilled?
Now, here's a place where I especially encourage suggestions about what the Word says about it. But I would probably say that any time you notice a shift in your relationship with God after you make a commitment or step of faith for Him in some way, a promise has been or is being fulfilled.

Recently, I have just been away of a tremendous outpouring of the Spirit in my life, and an unquenchable desire to be in the Word and to spend every waking moment with my Savior. I can honestly say it does not come from me. I have also noticed God revealing more and more to me through His Word, more evidence of the Spirit increasing in my life and promises being fulfilled.

So what did it look like in the Bible when promises were fulfilled?

It ranges from EPIC -
The Israelites' conquering of the promised land as recorded in Joshua.
to PATHETIC -
The crucifixion

But yet, which of the two was the most powerful, the most important, the ULTIMATE CONQUERING?

- That which looked like failure at first.






So if you are left with nothing else, come away with this:
If you are ever in doubt that God will come through for you, if you are ever despairing that all is lost, that you have failed somehow or that God has failed you, seek God ever more fervently. Chances are His promises to you are going to be fulfilled by epic proportions.



What promise do we have to hold on to today as Christians?
(Did you really think you'd get away with not reading something from 1 Peter? c'mon...)

1 Peter 1:3-5
"Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, which according to his abundant mercy hath begotten us again unto a lively hope by the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, to an inheritance incorruptible, and undefiled, and that fadeth not away, reserved in heaven for you, who are kept by the power of God through faith unto salvation ready to be revealed in the last time."



Be blessed today!



Now. . .about baptism. . .I sense a "promise the fourth" coming on....

In the searching and the waiting

EVERYTHING that happens in life reveals things about God's pursuit of us and His promises to us.

It can be as mundane as waiting to open a birthday present when you already know what it is, desperately hoping for motivation to write a paper, and tirelessly searching for an apartment.

God is found in the searching and the waiting.

What does God want from you? (originally published Facebook March 29)

What does God want from you?

A relationship.

It's that simple.

Simple, but not easy.

Not easy, but worth more than anything on this earth.

Worth more than anything on this earth,

and better than anything you can imagine.

Spring (originally published Facebook March 27)

Yesterday I could smell the river for the first time since the warmer days of fall. It was a very very good sign.

Tomorrow I think I am going to go to Home Depot and buy a potted flower and put it in my window. Of course, it's a northwest-facing window so it probably gets the least amount of direct sunlight possible...but at least I can try.

I just want to see and smell a flower! It's supposed to be that time of year!

: ) (originally published Facebook March 23)

Do you understand how AMAZING God is?? Nope, neither do I. Which is why it's so awesome to be covered in His grace!

I just wanted to tell everyone that Jesus loves you and He IS alive!!! More than you can ever imagine. . .

End of Ze World (originally published Facebook on March 18)

Ok, but in all seriousness. . . .

I was on the train on my way to my internship in NYC yesterday. . .and it so happens it was St. Patrick's Day. So the car is filled with college-age students all dressed in green whose conversations revolved around alcohol and their drunken St. Patty's day memories. . .well, drunk stories in general.

But the part that caught my attention is they started talking about the weather. . .and one girl pipes up "I swear, the world is going to end soon!" and then they all continued on talking about getting drunk.

All I could think, wow, they are anticipating the end of the world, and yet, either they do not understand the magnitude of that event, or they don't really care, because although, sure, assuming the world is ending soon, they are going to go right ahead living destructive lives.

It's really sad to realize so many people think that what they do here doesn't really matter, and don't really know/understand/care what's going to happen when Jesus comes back. . .

The flight back to the U.S.

I had less than one hour to get from one end of the Zurich Airport all the way to the other side where my flight was leaving for the USA. I was breezing up the escalators, laughing at myself and others as we pushed and herded like cows at the feed to get on the shuttle, and calmly – and quickly – strode in the direction of the gate. Then I saw security. I was doomed. But I got through, and continued. Thirty minutes. Not until boarding – until scheduled takeoff.
Then, the forms to fill out for exiting the country. The gate was just there, just past my reach, and people were filing onto the plane, while I frantically filled in my name, my emergency contact, and for once didn’t care about whether or not I had an ugly signature.

I got to the line, which, as it turns out, was still quite long. The announcer came on, and I swear, they always either have the volume way too low you can’t hear a thing, or way too loud you can’t understand a word. I didn’t realize they were reading names until an American girl behind me realized her name had been called.
Ugh. . . I thought. . .I DO NOT want to deal with this right now. They had probably read my name, but I was so close to getting my boarding pass scanned, I figured that if there was some issue, I could deal with it then – and if not, I had saved a few minutes.

The ticket sucked into the machine, stopped, made a weird beeping sound. The woman at the desk looked at it, said, “Oh, there’s been just a slight change.” And handed me a blue (and definitely more official-looking) ticket. I glanced at it without a thought, and started toward the plane, voicing aloud that my seat had been changed, that I liked the window seat, and that it sure better still be a window seat.

It wasn’t until I reached the plane, making sure to touch the outside of the aircraft before entering for good luck (ok, so I do have one superstition – I BLAME MY SISTER), that I glanced at the ticket again to check my seat, and noticed the one word at the top that I hadn’t seen - “Business.”
There’s no way, I thought – and sure enough, I reached row 10 and an empty, roomy, business class seat awaited me – along with a flight attendant offering my choice of champagne , juice, or water. Still in shock, I chose juice. Of course, I couldn’t change my mind, I wanted to make it look like I belonged there. . .so I just had my juice and resolved to have plenty of free wine with my meal. But as I sat on the plane, I began to think, and thinking leads to making metaphors out of life and finding profound meaning in them.
I’m serious.

And I thought of this business class thing as heaven. (A rough estimate, of course).
But really, think about life. We’re in such a hurry, rushing toward a goal that we are comfortable with, that we know we like (such as a window seat, because we don’t get up on flights and we like to lean against the wall and look out the window), that we get annoyed when anything upsets it – like having our seat changed. We notice the change, we just hope that the change doesn’t ruin our own plans too much.

We make a fool of ourselves, complaining about the possibility of not having a window seat – when we don’t realize that not only does a window seat still await us, but a window seat that has a foot rest, a personal tv, all the food and wine you can want, and comes complete with your own socks and a toothbrush – and lotion and lip balm in the bathroom. And the best part of it all, we didn’t pay for it, we never expected it, we never did anything to deserve it – and yet somehow, someone decided that a seat in Business class was ours. And not only did we do nothing to get it – but it all happened while we were rushing to make sure all our own plans went smoothly and we got to our comfy economy seat on time.

And let’s take it one step further – yes, it was quite a nice surprise to find myself, after all that stress and rush, with plenty of time to board and a luxury seat. But I imagine what it would have been like had I already known what awaited me?

I probably would have breathed a little more. I probably would have enjoyed a leisurely stroll through the airport. I probably wouldn’t have complained that the window seat I had reserved so far in advance had been changed. And I would have had the peace of mind to know to order champagne. Not only would have enjoyed all it took to get to my flight, I would have enjoyed the flight even more, even if it was simply the difference between orange juice and a glass of champagne.

So, do you know what awaits you? It just might be better than you planned.

Why I Love Madrid

The Metro-North train to Poughkeepsie rocks along the tracks that follow the Hudson River, the world flashing by in reverse, as if it were rewinding history to bring me back to school for one last year. The sun hangs in the cloud-adorned sky, a gigantic glowing red and orange snitch, casting a river of fire across the misty blue river that once promised a passageway into a new world beyond – well – the new world.
As I glide along in the train with other weary passengers disillusioned with the end of summer vacation or stumbling home after yet another day of work in the city, listening to “Return to Innocence” by Enigma (ironically, my inspirational song at the beginning of all my study abroad adventures) I am filled again with love for this place that I never imagined I would end up. And yet here I am – again. And I began to wonder, what is it that allows me to love so many places as if I was born to live out the rest of my days in each of them? And I realized the deep connection that every corner of the earth has with every depth of the sea, that every mountain summit has with the deepest canyons – it all came from the same Creator.
And with that, what better time, I thought, than to write the “5” reasons I love Madrid.

- 1) Somewhere in between the words “I am not” and “a city person” slipped an unexpected love for Madrid . . . and as I flew in and saw the NY skyline, I realized suddenly I loved NYC as well. It seemed to me that the city somehow was no longer an oppressive, deflating place, but a vibrant hub of life. I thought it was easiest to find God on the summit of Half Dome . . . but then I realized what the city is. It is all sorts of different people, strangers, family, friends, natives and foreigners – thrown together in one small space – all of us trying to make sense of ourselves, of the world, and of our place in the world. And what better place for God to be than where the people He loves so dearly are?
- 2) Public transportation. I lived in San Luis Obispo for 18 years. And I still don’t know the bus system. It’s not like I didn’t try – when I was in 5th grade I demanded my mom allow me start taking the public bus to school – I was late several times, or went in the opposite direction, but soon got the hang of it. I still think its way too confusing, though. But I know Metro Madrid, “abonos” and “Zona A” like the back of my hand. And I have a cool new little plastic red wallet with my picture on it.
- 3) The sunsets in Madrid – the way the light sets the buildings aglow and then slowly creeps away and disappears beneath the Parque del Oeste behind an out-of-place ancient Egyptian temple (but aren’t we all a little out-of-place?).
- 4) Oasis Madrid. You guys rock. Period. With a capital. . .um. . .punto.
- 5) The impossibility of getting lost. Okay, okay, there was the one day I walked from Gran Via, all the way to some metro stop on the yellow line, then back down to the Parque del Oeste then back up past Plaza de España, then finally found Bilbao and gave up and took the metro to Kelly and April’s. And that was like, 2 weeks ago. After I’d already been there several times. BUT. . .my point is. . .you can walk forever and still convince yourself you basically live NEXT door to Palacio Real, and if you are trying to find your way somewhere, you either 1) know exactly where you’re going, 2) can keep walking until you do know where you are, and the buildings are so nice you don’t mind the extra few-several-thousands of feet, or 3) you’re bound to find a metro sooner or later and, referring back to Public Transportation – at that point, you’re saved.
- 6) And reason 6 – a little something extra – I love Madrid because God told me to. And somehow, without me realizing it, I fell head-over-heels.

In Memory - Jon Fox - August 5, 1985-August 10, 2007

These are the memories I will put in the Memorial Book about Jon. . .of course, here, there are a bit less organized.


"He said he'd been here his whole life
And he'd never got the chance to shine.
I think the stars came and stole him away
And saw he could shine.

Tell mama
Love don't you cry
Your baby's goin
Where his soul won't die. "
-Adapted from "Shine" by Shy Blakeman
The world can be a pretty ugly place. In fact, very rarely does the beauty intended for it and by it shine through. Jon worked really hard, he tried to make the most of what the world offered, tried to squeeze everything he could out of the more-often-than-not tedious 24 hours we are granted in a day. He has left the world a more beautiful place than it was before he showed up.






(Photo by Sara Goehner)

I remember Senior year in high school, when Jon, Christine, and I would go across the street every Wednesday for a cheap pizza and soda lunch. I have great memories of just hanging out at his house. His mom would show me all the old family pictures and his dad had me try his famous homemade rosemary ice cream - Jon said I didn't have to pretend to like it, but it's still my favorite.




There was one time we took a badminton set Jon had and went over to Nativity, knocking on Fr. Mike's apartment door to ask permission to set it up on the church lawn. We played all that everning - I was horrible at it and kept missing the whatever-you-call-it, and Jon was encouraging - and merciful. There was another time when he, Jen, and I, decided to ride our longboards down the huge hill by his house. I remember the advice he yelled out as he sped down ahead of us, Jen and I still staring nervously at our hill and questioning our sanity and how much we trusted our boards-ourselves-and crazy Jon: "Don't be afraid; don't think about falling, and you won't!" I never would have done something like that on my own - in fact, I haven't since, though it was exhilarating. I remember Jen falling pretty badly (sorry for laughing, Jen, but falls like that just look funny, even though they aren't), and we went back to the house to patch her up.









It took Jon forever to ask me to winter formal. I had never been because of water polo, and finally my senior year I was going to be able to go. The day kept getting closer and closer, and still no date, but I wanted to go with Jon, or really, not at all. Then one weekend, I'm sure it was like the weekend before the dance (it might have even been during the week), we went minature golfing - we had a great time, but the whole time I thought he might ask me to go to the dance with him - and still, nothing. Finally, driving home in the BMW, talking about things I can't remember to save my life because I wasn't paying attention - in my head I was begging God that Jon would ask me to the stupid dance already - he did ask me.




We had a great time, starting with pictures at Kim's house and then to the dance at the Officer's Club (we missed out on riding in the stretch limo with Shane. . .Jon had taken so long to ask me Shane just assumed he wasn't going). Then we were headed to Ginny's house to change before a bonfire at Avila. We were following Klay in his Tundra when he stopped suddenly in front of her house (this is just moments after Jon said, "maybe i'm following too closely" and had started to slow down), and we rear-ended him, cracking the radiator in Jon's car and rendering it completely un-driveable. We had to call his dad to pick us up. I wanted to ride back home with them, but Jon insisted I stay for the bonfire.

I remember when I was trying to decide where to go to school, and I started to seriously consider New York. Jon encouraged me to go wherever I could make my dreams come true - even if it would be hard to leave home - and if that brought me to NY he would definitely come visit me. "Bright Lights" from Matchbox 20 still reminds me of him every time I hear it. It blows me away how relevant the lyrics are, now, in such a different way.

I remember late-night "recording sessions" in Sara's guesthouse, and "worship nights" at my house - we never really were very productive but we always had a blast just goofing around.


(Photo by Sara Goehner)


I also remember studying for the worst class ever (though with one of the best teachers ever) - AP Statistics - with him and Andrew. We thought it would be better than Calculus. It was really just an excuse to hang out. I remember one night being up until like 3 am, maybe later, trying to figure out exactly what it was we were supposed to know for the test the next day and cop- i mean. . .- helping each other with all our assignments for that unit that we never finished until the day of the test.




Jon loved wonderbread, he was first introduced to it at Board with the Lord with our youth group, and he has been synonymous with it ever since. We used wonder bread to make these little pie things over the fire. That was probably the best Board with the Lord, ever.




There was one time I was writing something I was going to say for the Thank You party we were going to have at the Mission for AnnE Lorenzen upon her retirement from the Youth Director position. I also had a lot of things to do for creative writing, and being that Jon had like 5 jobs so was always working, I decided to write at the Bagle Cafe where he was working that day. I ended up writing this poem, instead:









September 20, 2003 (found poem from words on signs, walls, and windows)









This is girl to girl:




As lovely as




Jewelry




And flowers




Can be




Displayed beneath red signs that read




OPEN and SALE




Nothing is free




Unless you are just looking.









So steal a space




In public parking




Taste the atmospheres




Of seven California summers




on the water.




Save lives every morning




With the note of a lost plie

--Simply smile

from behind

Backwards OPEN signs

As blue shadows fade

into clear, sharp shapes

and the day

burns brighter

in our eyes.

I also want to share one last thing, something I wrote in one of my best friends' yearbooks senior year. I truly believe that somehow it was meant for just this moment. The truth is, I didn't remember it at first, and I hope I wrote something similar in Jon's yearbook.

"I could go on and on about memories, but as wonderful as they are, that’s all they are- familiar smells, “theme” songs, phrases, expressions, moments recalled later as déjà vu. They’ve helped you become the person you are today, but they can’t create your future. I could wish you luck and success and happiness- but they are just wishes, dreams, until someone- you- make them happen. There is one thing I cannot express enough. Be concerned only with NOW, because this moment, the present, ahora, aqui is all you are guaranteed in this life. Make it worth something for the eternity that comes after NOW.

I hope I can always be no more than just a phone call away, but I can’t guarantee that. I cannot be certain that one day will be the last of our friendship, or that busy-ness and distance are too much to keep our friendship strong, or that my NOW won't be over before yours. All that is guaranteed is God’s love, forgiveness, faithfulness and comfort, despite obstacles of human suffering, bitterness, fleeting desires, passions and rejection.
The world sucks, to be brutally honest, and it could tear us apart. But God has given each on of us our NOW, to help Him change that- He only asks that we let him have control of everything; and the good will become pure and great, and suffering will find joy in Christ’s victory over the grave.

{So Jon, don’t forget me, or any of us left behind, but do not worry about us, you have gone on from NOW into eternity, into a new life to grab by the reins and take for an unforgettable ride.}"

See you in heaven. I love you.

(Photo by Sara Goehner)

Ok, so this post (answer to discussion questions) is what I just wrote to the group of girls with whom I am reading the book, Captivating, with. . .just a little glimpse into all that is Katy Z, I suppose.


Questions:Just to get you to start thinking about who you are!1) When you were 6 years old (or under) what took up most of your time? What were your favorite things? Who were your heroes? What did you want to be when you grew up?2) When you were 10 years old. . .(the above questions)3) When you were 13 years old . . .say jr high to freshman year in hs (the above questions)4) When you were 17 (and before you started college). . . (the above questions)5) Freshman year in college. . .(the above questions). 6) Now. . .7) Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

1) When I was 6 years old I liked horses and country music, I was the gift of mhyrr (sp?) in my kindergarten play and had a crush on the wise man who brought me. . .hah. Well that was 5 years old. But still funny. But anyway I loved animals, and the country, and wanted to be a vet and live on a farm. I looked forward to sleepovers at my grandparents' house down the street, when I was 5 or 6 was when my grandpa died, too, but I remember him the most fondly of all my grandparents. . .I'd say he was my hero at the time. I had just been accepted to the club swim team (at the pool I would eventually lifeguard at. . lol) and was upset that i couldn't keep doing swim lessons at the other pool because i was almost at the level where they dive through hula hoops. I loved it when my dad would sing "Don't Worry, Be Happy" and I would do dance recitals with my sister and dance around our room singing to Ace of Base. I also was playing piano and couldn't wait to start playing the violin (i would actually sneak it out and try to play before i even took lessons). I played soccer (the only girl on an all guys team, took dance lessons, art lessons,etc). In kindergarten my dad would pick me up from school every day in the old BMW i would later drive my senior year in HS, tell me we were having snail sandwiches for lunch, and take me home where i would watch David the Gnome and eat peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. I think before i was 6 years old were the best years of my life and will forever be the best years of my life.
2) When I was 10 years old. . .I had been in the hospital 2 years before for a kidney infection. I kinda liked it, you got presents and got to watch TV all day. I don't think I realized how serious it really was. I was still taking piano and violin lessons. In the summers I was still riding horses, and I loved to read, I read all the time. My grandma (on my mom's side) died and my grandpa moved away and stopped talking to my part of the family. . .he still doesn't really, hardly talks to anyone. He was/is my cowboy grandpa. I wanted to buy a miniature horse and keep it in the backyard. I saw my guardian angel but nobody believed me except my parents, not even our parish priest when I told him at confession. I still wanted to be a vet, and I was a very involved girl scout (mom was the troop leader). I was far from being popular at school, but I had good friends. My best friend at school had just left to go to a different school but I saw her every weekend. I spent my days with the girl across the street and every saturday night we played night games with the neighborhood kids.
3) When I was 13 (jr high) i was "in love" with the boy down the street. He, my best friend next door, and I, were inseperable for 3 summers in a row. I honestly was still attached to that guy up until last year. We are still all good friends. haha. I wanted to go to school at the University of Wisconsin where my dad graduated from, and study to be a veterinarian. I also loved to write, and I also wanted to be Shamu's trainer at sea world (even then i was indecisive about my future plans haha). My heroes, I don't really remember. I know I really liked the Backstreet Boys. This was the time in my life I really started examining what I believed about God and what this whole Christian/Catholic thing was about (raised Catholic, and I believed, but you know, there is a time when you really have to look and think about it). I also went on my first trip abroad (Europe) with my family. I played basketball and volleyball, (Speaking of which.. .i dreamed i was having a bball shoot-out against Voldemort last night. . .hahaha). no more swimming, still piano and i was in the youth symphony orchestra.
4)When I was 17. . .my life changed completely. I spent a summer that completely turned my life around and set my path straight to God. I went on a mission trip to mexico to build houses, and after the first day, I knew that I wanted to spend my life serving God in a way that really worked me, where I could look back at the end of the day and feel like every moment had been worth something. I went to a Christian Youth Leadership conference (DCLA) in Washington D.C. where I rededicated my life to God, and I went to an intense camp called Wildwood where God showed me the kind of life He offers to those who love Him - with all its joys and struggles. I also began developing many more close Christian friendships, with a group who are my close friends to this day. I was at the peak of my performance in water polo, my junior year I tried out for the National Youth Team (didn't make it), and was playing water polo in Santa Cruz on the weekends and swimming during the week. I was planning on playing water polo in college, and I wanted to study religious studies. I loved camping/backpacking, country music, and playing cards and hide and seek at a local elementary school with my friends, and having movie nights and playing taboo. I was a lifeguard and I loved it. My hero, or the person I looked up to most, was probably Dave, my high school youth pastor. He has done the most out of anyone to encourage the missions vocation in me.
5) Freshman year in college (this is already so long, and theres so much more to tell) I got immediately involved in CCF, I was loving water polo and school, I wasn't homesick at all. I was a Radio/Tv/Film and Journalism major, I had great friends from CCF, and I was obsessed (and still am) with Nickel Creek. At this point I think I was still considering missions (though there was a period I forgot all about it and thought about simply journalism-film related careers).
6) Now, I realize that God is still molding me into His image. I honestly feel like a piece of dough or clay being kneaded through and through. Sometimes I'm stretched, sometimes pounded, rolled into little balls, and sometimes a little beautiful part of what God is making me into finally takes shape. This trip to Madrid this summer has really taught me more than I thought. I came for an internship but ended up with a completely different "internship" which at first glance seems like a side -venture but really I can see it is the whole reason I came here. I got involved with a church plant run by missionaries for Christian Associates International, and have begun entertaining the idea of working with them as a career, so to speak. But to sum up what I am learning right now, God is teaching my and testing me so that I may truly give Him everything. I see now what it truly means for me to surrender. I keep surrendering and then trying to guess at what God would want for, at things that would seem to fit with me well. But I have realized I don't really know myself, and God knows me better than even I do. I am learning to trust where He leads, even if it seems completely different than what I ever expected. I am learning not to be afraid of the peace He gives me about decisions I make, to not be afraid to make a decision that might seem to cement my life in one path. . .because I realize that's what I've been asking God for all along, that one path - and he knows it better than me. I suppose to make it clear I will use examples (SORRY THIS IS SO LONG!!)
1) I thought it was stupid to study abroad in Europe, I always wanted to go to South America, thought it would be a better fit. But now, on this second trip here, I have found that if I am to do missions, God is calling me not to South America, but to Europe (and there's so many details to this that blow me away but I won't get into it). And, had I not gone to Madrid, i might never have heard of Christian Associates International.
2) I always thought it was a bad idea to go to the east coast for college when I was growing up. Why leave California?? Well. . .hah enough said. One of the best choices I ever made that opened up many other things.
3) I wanted to go back to California after Marist. I gave up on the idea of Grad school. Now I am looking at a school/seminary/missions school in South Carolina with a master's degree in intercultural studies. And theres more to this story that I can't even begin to get into at the moment.

Ok so where do I see myself in 5 years? No clue. But now I'm okay with that, because I know what God wants me to do today. And that's all I can really handle haha.

so i was going to write a clever, entertaining, and insightful blog about my first day in lyon, but 1. i was force fed by anthony's family to the point of immobility (nuts, then bread, then 3 slices of melon, then 2 potatoes and sausage, then cheese and bread, then lemon pie); 2. apparently its not normal to simply want cold water to drink, and by the end of dinner i had somehow ended up with 2 glasses of sangria, 1.5 glasses of white wine, half glass of red; 3. french keyboards are impossibly and unnecessarily complicated. so look for updates come monday evening.