I had less than one hour to get from one end of the Zurich Airport all the way to the other side where my flight was leaving for the USA. I was breezing up the escalators, laughing at myself and others as we pushed and herded like cows at the feed to get on the shuttle, and calmly – and quickly – strode in the direction of the gate. Then I saw security. I was doomed. But I got through, and continued. Thirty minutes. Not until boarding – until scheduled takeoff.
Then, the forms to fill out for exiting the country. The gate was just there, just past my reach, and people were filing onto the plane, while I frantically filled in my name, my emergency contact, and for once didn’t care about whether or not I had an ugly signature.
I got to the line, which, as it turns out, was still quite long. The announcer came on, and I swear, they always either have the volume way too low you can’t hear a thing, or way too loud you can’t understand a word. I didn’t realize they were reading names until an American girl behind me realized her name had been called.
Ugh. . . I thought. . .I DO NOT want to deal with this right now. They had probably read my name, but I was so close to getting my boarding pass scanned, I figured that if there was some issue, I could deal with it then – and if not, I had saved a few minutes.
The ticket sucked into the machine, stopped, made a weird beeping sound. The woman at the desk looked at it, said, “Oh, there’s been just a slight change.” And handed me a blue (and definitely more official-looking) ticket. I glanced at it without a thought, and started toward the plane, voicing aloud that my seat had been changed, that I liked the window seat, and that it sure better still be a window seat.
It wasn’t until I reached the plane, making sure to touch the outside of the aircraft before entering for good luck (ok, so I do have one superstition – I BLAME MY SISTER), that I glanced at the ticket again to check my seat, and noticed the one word at the top that I hadn’t seen - “Business.”
There’s no way, I thought – and sure enough, I reached row 10 and an empty, roomy, business class seat awaited me – along with a flight attendant offering my choice of champagne , juice, or water. Still in shock, I chose juice. Of course, I couldn’t change my mind, I wanted to make it look like I belonged there. . .so I just had my juice and resolved to have plenty of free wine with my meal. But as I sat on the plane, I began to think, and thinking leads to making metaphors out of life and finding profound meaning in them.
I’m serious.
And I thought of this business class thing as heaven. (A rough estimate, of course).
But really, think about life. We’re in such a hurry, rushing toward a goal that we are comfortable with, that we know we like (such as a window seat, because we don’t get up on flights and we like to lean against the wall and look out the window), that we get annoyed when anything upsets it – like having our seat changed. We notice the change, we just hope that the change doesn’t ruin our own plans too much.
We make a fool of ourselves, complaining about the possibility of not having a window seat – when we don’t realize that not only does a window seat still await us, but a window seat that has a foot rest, a personal tv, all the food and wine you can want, and comes complete with your own socks and a toothbrush – and lotion and lip balm in the bathroom. And the best part of it all, we didn’t pay for it, we never expected it, we never did anything to deserve it – and yet somehow, someone decided that a seat in Business class was ours. And not only did we do nothing to get it – but it all happened while we were rushing to make sure all our own plans went smoothly and we got to our comfy economy seat on time.
And let’s take it one step further – yes, it was quite a nice surprise to find myself, after all that stress and rush, with plenty of time to board and a luxury seat. But I imagine what it would have been like had I already known what awaited me?
I probably would have breathed a little more. I probably would have enjoyed a leisurely stroll through the airport. I probably wouldn’t have complained that the window seat I had reserved so far in advance had been changed. And I would have had the peace of mind to know to order champagne. Not only would have enjoyed all it took to get to my flight, I would have enjoyed the flight even more, even if it was simply the difference between orange juice and a glass of champagne.
So, do you know what awaits you? It just might be better than you planned.
Monday, September 17, 2007
Thursday, August 23, 2007
Why I Love Madrid
The Metro-North train to Poughkeepsie rocks along the tracks that follow the Hudson River, the world flashing by in reverse, as if it were rewinding history to bring me back to school for one last year. The sun hangs in the cloud-adorned sky, a gigantic glowing red and orange snitch, casting a river of fire across the misty blue river that once promised a passageway into a new world beyond – well – the new world.
As I glide along in the train with other weary passengers disillusioned with the end of summer vacation or stumbling home after yet another day of work in the city, listening to “Return to Innocence” by Enigma (ironically, my inspirational song at the beginning of all my study abroad adventures) I am filled again with love for this place that I never imagined I would end up. And yet here I am – again. And I began to wonder, what is it that allows me to love so many places as if I was born to live out the rest of my days in each of them? And I realized the deep connection that every corner of the earth has with every depth of the sea, that every mountain summit has with the deepest canyons – it all came from the same Creator.
And with that, what better time, I thought, than to write the “5” reasons I love Madrid.
- 1) Somewhere in between the words “I am not” and “a city person” slipped an unexpected love for Madrid . . . and as I flew in and saw the NY skyline, I realized suddenly I loved NYC as well. It seemed to me that the city somehow was no longer an oppressive, deflating place, but a vibrant hub of life. I thought it was easiest to find God on the summit of Half Dome . . . but then I realized what the city is. It is all sorts of different people, strangers, family, friends, natives and foreigners – thrown together in one small space – all of us trying to make sense of ourselves, of the world, and of our place in the world. And what better place for God to be than where the people He loves so dearly are?
- 2) Public transportation. I lived in San Luis Obispo for 18 years. And I still don’t know the bus system. It’s not like I didn’t try – when I was in 5th grade I demanded my mom allow me start taking the public bus to school – I was late several times, or went in the opposite direction, but soon got the hang of it. I still think its way too confusing, though. But I know Metro Madrid, “abonos” and “Zona A” like the back of my hand. And I have a cool new little plastic red wallet with my picture on it.
- 3) The sunsets in Madrid – the way the light sets the buildings aglow and then slowly creeps away and disappears beneath the Parque del Oeste behind an out-of-place ancient Egyptian temple (but aren’t we all a little out-of-place?).
- 4) Oasis Madrid. You guys rock. Period. With a capital. . .um. . .punto.
- 5) The impossibility of getting lost. Okay, okay, there was the one day I walked from Gran Via, all the way to some metro stop on the yellow line, then back down to the Parque del Oeste then back up past Plaza de España, then finally found Bilbao and gave up and took the metro to Kelly and April’s. And that was like, 2 weeks ago. After I’d already been there several times. BUT. . .my point is. . .you can walk forever and still convince yourself you basically live NEXT door to Palacio Real, and if you are trying to find your way somewhere, you either 1) know exactly where you’re going, 2) can keep walking until you do know where you are, and the buildings are so nice you don’t mind the extra few-several-thousands of feet, or 3) you’re bound to find a metro sooner or later and, referring back to Public Transportation – at that point, you’re saved.
- 6) And reason 6 – a little something extra – I love Madrid because God told me to. And somehow, without me realizing it, I fell head-over-heels.
As I glide along in the train with other weary passengers disillusioned with the end of summer vacation or stumbling home after yet another day of work in the city, listening to “Return to Innocence” by Enigma (ironically, my inspirational song at the beginning of all my study abroad adventures) I am filled again with love for this place that I never imagined I would end up. And yet here I am – again. And I began to wonder, what is it that allows me to love so many places as if I was born to live out the rest of my days in each of them? And I realized the deep connection that every corner of the earth has with every depth of the sea, that every mountain summit has with the deepest canyons – it all came from the same Creator.
And with that, what better time, I thought, than to write the “5” reasons I love Madrid.
- 1) Somewhere in between the words “I am not” and “a city person” slipped an unexpected love for Madrid . . . and as I flew in and saw the NY skyline, I realized suddenly I loved NYC as well. It seemed to me that the city somehow was no longer an oppressive, deflating place, but a vibrant hub of life. I thought it was easiest to find God on the summit of Half Dome . . . but then I realized what the city is. It is all sorts of different people, strangers, family, friends, natives and foreigners – thrown together in one small space – all of us trying to make sense of ourselves, of the world, and of our place in the world. And what better place for God to be than where the people He loves so dearly are?
- 2) Public transportation. I lived in San Luis Obispo for 18 years. And I still don’t know the bus system. It’s not like I didn’t try – when I was in 5th grade I demanded my mom allow me start taking the public bus to school – I was late several times, or went in the opposite direction, but soon got the hang of it. I still think its way too confusing, though. But I know Metro Madrid, “abonos” and “Zona A” like the back of my hand. And I have a cool new little plastic red wallet with my picture on it.
- 3) The sunsets in Madrid – the way the light sets the buildings aglow and then slowly creeps away and disappears beneath the Parque del Oeste behind an out-of-place ancient Egyptian temple (but aren’t we all a little out-of-place?).
- 4) Oasis Madrid. You guys rock. Period. With a capital. . .um. . .punto.
- 5) The impossibility of getting lost. Okay, okay, there was the one day I walked from Gran Via, all the way to some metro stop on the yellow line, then back down to the Parque del Oeste then back up past Plaza de España, then finally found Bilbao and gave up and took the metro to Kelly and April’s. And that was like, 2 weeks ago. After I’d already been there several times. BUT. . .my point is. . .you can walk forever and still convince yourself you basically live NEXT door to Palacio Real, and if you are trying to find your way somewhere, you either 1) know exactly where you’re going, 2) can keep walking until you do know where you are, and the buildings are so nice you don’t mind the extra few-several-thousands of feet, or 3) you’re bound to find a metro sooner or later and, referring back to Public Transportation – at that point, you’re saved.
- 6) And reason 6 – a little something extra – I love Madrid because God told me to. And somehow, without me realizing it, I fell head-over-heels.
Saturday, August 18, 2007
In Memory - Jon Fox - August 5, 1985-August 10, 2007
These are the memories I will put in the Memorial Book about Jon. . .of course, here, there are a bit less organized.
"He said he'd been here his whole life
And he'd never got the chance to shine.
I think the stars came and stole him away
And saw he could shine.
Tell mama
Love don't you cry
Your baby's goin
Where his soul won't die. "
-Adapted from "Shine" by Shy Blakeman
The world can be a pretty ugly place. In fact, very rarely does the beauty intended for it and by it shine through. Jon worked really hard, he tried to make the most of what the world offered, tried to squeeze everything he could out of the more-often-than-not tedious 24 hours we are granted in a day. He has left the world a more beautiful place than it was before he showed up.
(Photo by Sara Goehner)
I remember Senior year in high school, when Jon, Christine, and I would go across the street every Wednesday for a cheap pizza and soda lunch. I have great memories of just hanging out at his house. His mom would show me all the old family pictures and his dad had me try his famous homemade rosemary ice cream - Jon said I didn't have to pretend to like it, but it's still my favorite.
There was one time we took a badminton set Jon had and went over to Nativity, knocking on Fr. Mike's apartment door to ask permission to set it up on the church lawn. We played all that everning - I was horrible at it and kept missing the whatever-you-call-it, and Jon was encouraging - and merciful. There was another time when he, Jen, and I, decided to ride our longboards down the huge hill by his house. I remember the advice he yelled out as he sped down ahead of us, Jen and I still staring nervously at our hill and questioning our sanity and how much we trusted our boards-ourselves-and crazy Jon: "Don't be afraid; don't think about falling, and you won't!" I never would have done something like that on my own - in fact, I haven't since, though it was exhilarating. I remember Jen falling pretty badly (sorry for laughing, Jen, but falls like that just look funny, even though they aren't), and we went back to the house to patch her up.
It took Jon forever to ask me to winter formal. I had never been because of water polo, and finally my senior year I was going to be able to go. The day kept getting closer and closer, and still no date, but I wanted to go with Jon, or really, not at all. Then one weekend, I'm sure it was like the weekend before the dance (it might have even been during the week), we went minature golfing - we had a great time, but the whole time I thought he might ask me to go to the dance with him - and still, nothing. Finally, driving home in the BMW, talking about things I can't remember to save my life because I wasn't paying attention - in my head I was begging God that Jon would ask me to the stupid dance already - he did ask me.
We had a great time, starting with pictures at Kim's house and then to the dance at the Officer's Club (we missed out on riding in the stretch limo with Shane. . .Jon had taken so long to ask me Shane just assumed he wasn't going). Then we were headed to Ginny's house to change before a bonfire at Avila. We were following Klay in his Tundra when he stopped suddenly in front of her house (this is just moments after Jon said, "maybe i'm following too closely" and had started to slow down), and we rear-ended him, cracking the radiator in Jon's car and rendering it completely un-driveable. We had to call his dad to pick us up. I wanted to ride back home with them, but Jon insisted I stay for the bonfire.
I remember when I was trying to decide where to go to school, and I started to seriously consider New York. Jon encouraged me to go wherever I could make my dreams come true - even if it would be hard to leave home - and if that brought me to NY he would definitely come visit me. "Bright Lights" from Matchbox 20 still reminds me of him every time I hear it. It blows me away how relevant the lyrics are, now, in such a different way.
I remember late-night "recording sessions" in Sara's guesthouse, and "worship nights" at my house - we never really were very productive but we always had a blast just goofing around.
(Photo by Sara Goehner)
I also remember studying for the worst class ever (though with one of the best teachers ever) - AP Statistics - with him and Andrew. We thought it would be better than Calculus. It was really just an excuse to hang out. I remember one night being up until like 3 am, maybe later, trying to figure out exactly what it was we were supposed to know for the test the next day and cop- i mean. . .- helping each other with all our assignments for that unit that we never finished until the day of the test.
Jon loved wonderbread, he was first introduced to it at Board with the Lord with our youth group, and he has been synonymous with it ever since. We used wonder bread to make these little pie things over the fire. That was probably the best Board with the Lord, ever.
There was one time I was writing something I was going to say for the Thank You party we were going to have at the Mission for AnnE Lorenzen upon her retirement from the Youth Director position. I also had a lot of things to do for creative writing, and being that Jon had like 5 jobs so was always working, I decided to write at the Bagle Cafe where he was working that day. I ended up writing this poem, instead:
September 20, 2003 (found poem from words on signs, walls, and windows)
This is girl to girl:
As lovely as
Jewelry
And flowers
Can be
Displayed beneath red signs that read
OPEN and SALE
Nothing is free
Unless you are just looking.
So steal a space
In public parking
Taste the atmospheres
Of seven California summers
on the water.
Save lives every morning
With the note of a lost plie
(Photo by Sara Goehner)
"He said he'd been here his whole life
And he'd never got the chance to shine.
I think the stars came and stole him away
And saw he could shine.
Tell mama
Love don't you cry
Your baby's goin
Where his soul won't die. "
-Adapted from "Shine" by Shy Blakeman
The world can be a pretty ugly place. In fact, very rarely does the beauty intended for it and by it shine through. Jon worked really hard, he tried to make the most of what the world offered, tried to squeeze everything he could out of the more-often-than-not tedious 24 hours we are granted in a day. He has left the world a more beautiful place than it was before he showed up.(Photo by Sara Goehner)
I remember Senior year in high school, when Jon, Christine, and I would go across the street every Wednesday for a cheap pizza and soda lunch. I have great memories of just hanging out at his house. His mom would show me all the old family pictures and his dad had me try his famous homemade rosemary ice cream - Jon said I didn't have to pretend to like it, but it's still my favorite.
There was one time we took a badminton set Jon had and went over to Nativity, knocking on Fr. Mike's apartment door to ask permission to set it up on the church lawn. We played all that everning - I was horrible at it and kept missing the whatever-you-call-it, and Jon was encouraging - and merciful. There was another time when he, Jen, and I, decided to ride our longboards down the huge hill by his house. I remember the advice he yelled out as he sped down ahead of us, Jen and I still staring nervously at our hill and questioning our sanity and how much we trusted our boards-ourselves-and crazy Jon: "Don't be afraid; don't think about falling, and you won't!" I never would have done something like that on my own - in fact, I haven't since, though it was exhilarating. I remember Jen falling pretty badly (sorry for laughing, Jen, but falls like that just look funny, even though they aren't), and we went back to the house to patch her up.
It took Jon forever to ask me to winter formal. I had never been because of water polo, and finally my senior year I was going to be able to go. The day kept getting closer and closer, and still no date, but I wanted to go with Jon, or really, not at all. Then one weekend, I'm sure it was like the weekend before the dance (it might have even been during the week), we went minature golfing - we had a great time, but the whole time I thought he might ask me to go to the dance with him - and still, nothing. Finally, driving home in the BMW, talking about things I can't remember to save my life because I wasn't paying attention - in my head I was begging God that Jon would ask me to the stupid dance already - he did ask me.
We had a great time, starting with pictures at Kim's house and then to the dance at the Officer's Club (we missed out on riding in the stretch limo with Shane. . .Jon had taken so long to ask me Shane just assumed he wasn't going). Then we were headed to Ginny's house to change before a bonfire at Avila. We were following Klay in his Tundra when he stopped suddenly in front of her house (this is just moments after Jon said, "maybe i'm following too closely" and had started to slow down), and we rear-ended him, cracking the radiator in Jon's car and rendering it completely un-driveable. We had to call his dad to pick us up. I wanted to ride back home with them, but Jon insisted I stay for the bonfire.
I remember when I was trying to decide where to go to school, and I started to seriously consider New York. Jon encouraged me to go wherever I could make my dreams come true - even if it would be hard to leave home - and if that brought me to NY he would definitely come visit me. "Bright Lights" from Matchbox 20 still reminds me of him every time I hear it. It blows me away how relevant the lyrics are, now, in such a different way.I remember late-night "recording sessions" in Sara's guesthouse, and "worship nights" at my house - we never really were very productive but we always had a blast just goofing around.
(Photo by Sara Goehner)
I also remember studying for the worst class ever (though with one of the best teachers ever) - AP Statistics - with him and Andrew. We thought it would be better than Calculus. It was really just an excuse to hang out. I remember one night being up until like 3 am, maybe later, trying to figure out exactly what it was we were supposed to know for the test the next day and cop- i mean. . .- helping each other with all our assignments for that unit that we never finished until the day of the test.
Jon loved wonderbread, he was first introduced to it at Board with the Lord with our youth group, and he has been synonymous with it ever since. We used wonder bread to make these little pie things over the fire. That was probably the best Board with the Lord, ever.
There was one time I was writing something I was going to say for the Thank You party we were going to have at the Mission for AnnE Lorenzen upon her retirement from the Youth Director position. I also had a lot of things to do for creative writing, and being that Jon had like 5 jobs so was always working, I decided to write at the Bagle Cafe where he was working that day. I ended up writing this poem, instead:
September 20, 2003 (found poem from words on signs, walls, and windows)
This is girl to girl:
As lovely as
Jewelry
And flowers
Can be
Displayed beneath red signs that read
OPEN and SALE
Nothing is free
Unless you are just looking.
So steal a space
In public parking
Taste the atmospheres
Of seven California summers
on the water.
Save lives every morning
With the note of a lost plie
--Simply smile
from behind
Backwards OPEN signs
As blue shadows fade
into clear, sharp shapes
and the day
burns brighter
in our eyes.
I also want to share one last thing, something I wrote in one of my best friends' yearbooks senior year. I truly believe that somehow it was meant for just this moment. The truth is, I didn't remember it at first, and I hope I wrote something similar in Jon's yearbook.
"I could go on and on about memories, but as wonderful as they are, that’s all they are- familiar smells, “theme” songs, phrases, expressions, moments recalled later as déjà vu. They’ve helped you become the person you are today, but they can’t create your future. I could wish you luck and success and happiness- but they are just wishes, dreams, until someone- you- make them happen. There is one thing I cannot express enough. Be concerned only with NOW, because this moment, the present, ahora, aqui is all you are guaranteed in this life. Make it worth something for the eternity that comes after NOW.
I hope I can always be no more than just a phone call away, but I can’t guarantee that. I cannot be certain that one day will be the last of our friendship, or that busy-ness and distance are too much to keep our friendship strong, or that my NOW won't be over before yours. All that is guaranteed is God’s love, forgiveness, faithfulness and comfort, despite obstacles of human suffering, bitterness, fleeting desires, passions and rejection.
The world sucks, to be brutally honest, and it could tear us apart. But God has given each on of us our NOW, to help Him change that- He only asks that we let him have control of everything; and the good will become pure and great, and suffering will find joy in Christ’s victory over the grave.
{So Jon, don’t forget me, or any of us left behind, but do not worry about us, you have gone on from NOW into eternity, into a new life to grab by the reins and take for an unforgettable ride.}"
See you in heaven. I love you.
(Photo by Sara Goehner)
Wednesday, August 08, 2007
Ok, so this post (answer to discussion questions) is what I just wrote to the group of girls with whom I am reading the book, Captivating, with. . .just a little glimpse into all that is Katy Z, I suppose.
Questions:Just to get you to start thinking about who you are!1) When you were 6 years old (or under) what took up most of your time? What were your favorite things? Who were your heroes? What did you want to be when you grew up?2) When you were 10 years old. . .(the above questions)3) When you were 13 years old . . .say jr high to freshman year in hs (the above questions)4) When you were 17 (and before you started college). . . (the above questions)5) Freshman year in college. . .(the above questions). 6) Now. . .7) Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
1) When I was 6 years old I liked horses and country music, I was the gift of mhyrr (sp?) in my kindergarten play and had a crush on the wise man who brought me. . .hah. Well that was 5 years old. But still funny. But anyway I loved animals, and the country, and wanted to be a vet and live on a farm. I looked forward to sleepovers at my grandparents' house down the street, when I was 5 or 6 was when my grandpa died, too, but I remember him the most fondly of all my grandparents. . .I'd say he was my hero at the time. I had just been accepted to the club swim team (at the pool I would eventually lifeguard at. . lol) and was upset that i couldn't keep doing swim lessons at the other pool because i was almost at the level where they dive through hula hoops. I loved it when my dad would sing "Don't Worry, Be Happy" and I would do dance recitals with my sister and dance around our room singing to Ace of Base. I also was playing piano and couldn't wait to start playing the violin (i would actually sneak it out and try to play before i even took lessons). I played soccer (the only girl on an all guys team, took dance lessons, art lessons,etc). In kindergarten my dad would pick me up from school every day in the old BMW i would later drive my senior year in HS, tell me we were having snail sandwiches for lunch, and take me home where i would watch David the Gnome and eat peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. I think before i was 6 years old were the best years of my life and will forever be the best years of my life.
2) When I was 10 years old. . .I had been in the hospital 2 years before for a kidney infection. I kinda liked it, you got presents and got to watch TV all day. I don't think I realized how serious it really was. I was still taking piano and violin lessons. In the summers I was still riding horses, and I loved to read, I read all the time. My grandma (on my mom's side) died and my grandpa moved away and stopped talking to my part of the family. . .he still doesn't really, hardly talks to anyone. He was/is my cowboy grandpa. I wanted to buy a miniature horse and keep it in the backyard. I saw my guardian angel but nobody believed me except my parents, not even our parish priest when I told him at confession. I still wanted to be a vet, and I was a very involved girl scout (mom was the troop leader). I was far from being popular at school, but I had good friends. My best friend at school had just left to go to a different school but I saw her every weekend. I spent my days with the girl across the street and every saturday night we played night games with the neighborhood kids.
3) When I was 13 (jr high) i was "in love" with the boy down the street. He, my best friend next door, and I, were inseperable for 3 summers in a row. I honestly was still attached to that guy up until last year. We are still all good friends. haha. I wanted to go to school at the University of Wisconsin where my dad graduated from, and study to be a veterinarian. I also loved to write, and I also wanted to be Shamu's trainer at sea world (even then i was indecisive about my future plans haha). My heroes, I don't really remember. I know I really liked the Backstreet Boys. This was the time in my life I really started examining what I believed about God and what this whole Christian/Catholic thing was about (raised Catholic, and I believed, but you know, there is a time when you really have to look and think about it). I also went on my first trip abroad (Europe) with my family. I played basketball and volleyball, (Speaking of which.. .i dreamed i was having a bball shoot-out against Voldemort last night. . .hahaha). no more swimming, still piano and i was in the youth symphony orchestra.
4)When I was 17. . .my life changed completely. I spent a summer that completely turned my life around and set my path straight to God. I went on a mission trip to mexico to build houses, and after the first day, I knew that I wanted to spend my life serving God in a way that really worked me, where I could look back at the end of the day and feel like every moment had been worth something. I went to a Christian Youth Leadership conference (DCLA) in Washington D.C. where I rededicated my life to God, and I went to an intense camp called Wildwood where God showed me the kind of life He offers to those who love Him - with all its joys and struggles. I also began developing many more close Christian friendships, with a group who are my close friends to this day. I was at the peak of my performance in water polo, my junior year I tried out for the National Youth Team (didn't make it), and was playing water polo in Santa Cruz on the weekends and swimming during the week. I was planning on playing water polo in college, and I wanted to study religious studies. I loved camping/backpacking, country music, and playing cards and hide and seek at a local elementary school with my friends, and having movie nights and playing taboo. I was a lifeguard and I loved it. My hero, or the person I looked up to most, was probably Dave, my high school youth pastor. He has done the most out of anyone to encourage the missions vocation in me.
5) Freshman year in college (this is already so long, and theres so much more to tell) I got immediately involved in CCF, I was loving water polo and school, I wasn't homesick at all. I was a Radio/Tv/Film and Journalism major, I had great friends from CCF, and I was obsessed (and still am) with Nickel Creek. At this point I think I was still considering missions (though there was a period I forgot all about it and thought about simply journalism-film related careers).
6) Now, I realize that God is still molding me into His image. I honestly feel like a piece of dough or clay being kneaded through and through. Sometimes I'm stretched, sometimes pounded, rolled into little balls, and sometimes a little beautiful part of what God is making me into finally takes shape. This trip to Madrid this summer has really taught me more than I thought. I came for an internship but ended up with a completely different "internship" which at first glance seems like a side -venture but really I can see it is the whole reason I came here. I got involved with a church plant run by missionaries for Christian Associates International, and have begun entertaining the idea of working with them as a career, so to speak. But to sum up what I am learning right now, God is teaching my and testing me so that I may truly give Him everything. I see now what it truly means for me to surrender. I keep surrendering and then trying to guess at what God would want for, at things that would seem to fit with me well. But I have realized I don't really know myself, and God knows me better than even I do. I am learning to trust where He leads, even if it seems completely different than what I ever expected. I am learning not to be afraid of the peace He gives me about decisions I make, to not be afraid to make a decision that might seem to cement my life in one path. . .because I realize that's what I've been asking God for all along, that one path - and he knows it better than me. I suppose to make it clear I will use examples (SORRY THIS IS SO LONG!!)
1) I thought it was stupid to study abroad in Europe, I always wanted to go to South America, thought it would be a better fit. But now, on this second trip here, I have found that if I am to do missions, God is calling me not to South America, but to Europe (and there's so many details to this that blow me away but I won't get into it). And, had I not gone to Madrid, i might never have heard of Christian Associates International.
2) I always thought it was a bad idea to go to the east coast for college when I was growing up. Why leave California?? Well. . .hah enough said. One of the best choices I ever made that opened up many other things.
3) I wanted to go back to California after Marist. I gave up on the idea of Grad school. Now I am looking at a school/seminary/missions school in South Carolina with a master's degree in intercultural studies. And theres more to this story that I can't even begin to get into at the moment.
Ok so where do I see myself in 5 years? No clue. But now I'm okay with that, because I know what God wants me to do today. And that's all I can really handle haha.
Questions:Just to get you to start thinking about who you are!1) When you were 6 years old (or under) what took up most of your time? What were your favorite things? Who were your heroes? What did you want to be when you grew up?2) When you were 10 years old. . .(the above questions)3) When you were 13 years old . . .say jr high to freshman year in hs (the above questions)4) When you were 17 (and before you started college). . . (the above questions)5) Freshman year in college. . .(the above questions). 6) Now. . .7) Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
1) When I was 6 years old I liked horses and country music, I was the gift of mhyrr (sp?) in my kindergarten play and had a crush on the wise man who brought me. . .hah. Well that was 5 years old. But still funny. But anyway I loved animals, and the country, and wanted to be a vet and live on a farm. I looked forward to sleepovers at my grandparents' house down the street, when I was 5 or 6 was when my grandpa died, too, but I remember him the most fondly of all my grandparents. . .I'd say he was my hero at the time. I had just been accepted to the club swim team (at the pool I would eventually lifeguard at. . lol) and was upset that i couldn't keep doing swim lessons at the other pool because i was almost at the level where they dive through hula hoops. I loved it when my dad would sing "Don't Worry, Be Happy" and I would do dance recitals with my sister and dance around our room singing to Ace of Base. I also was playing piano and couldn't wait to start playing the violin (i would actually sneak it out and try to play before i even took lessons). I played soccer (the only girl on an all guys team, took dance lessons, art lessons,etc). In kindergarten my dad would pick me up from school every day in the old BMW i would later drive my senior year in HS, tell me we were having snail sandwiches for lunch, and take me home where i would watch David the Gnome and eat peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. I think before i was 6 years old were the best years of my life and will forever be the best years of my life.
2) When I was 10 years old. . .I had been in the hospital 2 years before for a kidney infection. I kinda liked it, you got presents and got to watch TV all day. I don't think I realized how serious it really was. I was still taking piano and violin lessons. In the summers I was still riding horses, and I loved to read, I read all the time. My grandma (on my mom's side) died and my grandpa moved away and stopped talking to my part of the family. . .he still doesn't really, hardly talks to anyone. He was/is my cowboy grandpa. I wanted to buy a miniature horse and keep it in the backyard. I saw my guardian angel but nobody believed me except my parents, not even our parish priest when I told him at confession. I still wanted to be a vet, and I was a very involved girl scout (mom was the troop leader). I was far from being popular at school, but I had good friends. My best friend at school had just left to go to a different school but I saw her every weekend. I spent my days with the girl across the street and every saturday night we played night games with the neighborhood kids.
3) When I was 13 (jr high) i was "in love" with the boy down the street. He, my best friend next door, and I, were inseperable for 3 summers in a row. I honestly was still attached to that guy up until last year. We are still all good friends. haha. I wanted to go to school at the University of Wisconsin where my dad graduated from, and study to be a veterinarian. I also loved to write, and I also wanted to be Shamu's trainer at sea world (even then i was indecisive about my future plans haha). My heroes, I don't really remember. I know I really liked the Backstreet Boys. This was the time in my life I really started examining what I believed about God and what this whole Christian/Catholic thing was about (raised Catholic, and I believed, but you know, there is a time when you really have to look and think about it). I also went on my first trip abroad (Europe) with my family. I played basketball and volleyball, (Speaking of which.. .i dreamed i was having a bball shoot-out against Voldemort last night. . .hahaha). no more swimming, still piano and i was in the youth symphony orchestra.
4)When I was 17. . .my life changed completely. I spent a summer that completely turned my life around and set my path straight to God. I went on a mission trip to mexico to build houses, and after the first day, I knew that I wanted to spend my life serving God in a way that really worked me, where I could look back at the end of the day and feel like every moment had been worth something. I went to a Christian Youth Leadership conference (DCLA) in Washington D.C. where I rededicated my life to God, and I went to an intense camp called Wildwood where God showed me the kind of life He offers to those who love Him - with all its joys and struggles. I also began developing many more close Christian friendships, with a group who are my close friends to this day. I was at the peak of my performance in water polo, my junior year I tried out for the National Youth Team (didn't make it), and was playing water polo in Santa Cruz on the weekends and swimming during the week. I was planning on playing water polo in college, and I wanted to study religious studies. I loved camping/backpacking, country music, and playing cards and hide and seek at a local elementary school with my friends, and having movie nights and playing taboo. I was a lifeguard and I loved it. My hero, or the person I looked up to most, was probably Dave, my high school youth pastor. He has done the most out of anyone to encourage the missions vocation in me.
5) Freshman year in college (this is already so long, and theres so much more to tell) I got immediately involved in CCF, I was loving water polo and school, I wasn't homesick at all. I was a Radio/Tv/Film and Journalism major, I had great friends from CCF, and I was obsessed (and still am) with Nickel Creek. At this point I think I was still considering missions (though there was a period I forgot all about it and thought about simply journalism-film related careers).
6) Now, I realize that God is still molding me into His image. I honestly feel like a piece of dough or clay being kneaded through and through. Sometimes I'm stretched, sometimes pounded, rolled into little balls, and sometimes a little beautiful part of what God is making me into finally takes shape. This trip to Madrid this summer has really taught me more than I thought. I came for an internship but ended up with a completely different "internship" which at first glance seems like a side -venture but really I can see it is the whole reason I came here. I got involved with a church plant run by missionaries for Christian Associates International, and have begun entertaining the idea of working with them as a career, so to speak. But to sum up what I am learning right now, God is teaching my and testing me so that I may truly give Him everything. I see now what it truly means for me to surrender. I keep surrendering and then trying to guess at what God would want for, at things that would seem to fit with me well. But I have realized I don't really know myself, and God knows me better than even I do. I am learning to trust where He leads, even if it seems completely different than what I ever expected. I am learning not to be afraid of the peace He gives me about decisions I make, to not be afraid to make a decision that might seem to cement my life in one path. . .because I realize that's what I've been asking God for all along, that one path - and he knows it better than me. I suppose to make it clear I will use examples (SORRY THIS IS SO LONG!!)
1) I thought it was stupid to study abroad in Europe, I always wanted to go to South America, thought it would be a better fit. But now, on this second trip here, I have found that if I am to do missions, God is calling me not to South America, but to Europe (and there's so many details to this that blow me away but I won't get into it). And, had I not gone to Madrid, i might never have heard of Christian Associates International.
2) I always thought it was a bad idea to go to the east coast for college when I was growing up. Why leave California?? Well. . .hah enough said. One of the best choices I ever made that opened up many other things.
3) I wanted to go back to California after Marist. I gave up on the idea of Grad school. Now I am looking at a school/seminary/missions school in South Carolina with a master's degree in intercultural studies. And theres more to this story that I can't even begin to get into at the moment.
Ok so where do I see myself in 5 years? No clue. But now I'm okay with that, because I know what God wants me to do today. And that's all I can really handle haha.
Friday, August 03, 2007
so i was going to write a clever, entertaining, and insightful blog about my first day in lyon, but 1. i was force fed by anthony's family to the point of immobility (nuts, then bread, then 3 slices of melon, then 2 potatoes and sausage, then cheese and bread, then lemon pie); 2. apparently its not normal to simply want cold water to drink, and by the end of dinner i had somehow ended up with 2 glasses of sangria, 1.5 glasses of white wine, half glass of red; 3. french keyboards are impossibly and unnecessarily complicated. so look for updates come monday evening.
Saturday, July 28, 2007
November 26, 2006
Not exactly an update. . .Considering I haven't updated since, well, June. . .I think there would be a bit too much to write with only a few minutes at my hands. I just wanted to write down a few thoughts to share with those few of you who still check this blog with the hope that maybe, just maybe, I have actually updated for once. Something that has really been made real to me over the last couple of weeks is the existence of the spiritual realm, and how greatly it affects the physical realm, basically how it affects EVERYTHING. I mean, not that I did not know it was real, but if you're anything like me, there is necessity for reminder every once in a while. These last couple weeks I have just fallen into sort of a depression, and a lot different than before. I lost my camera and transportation pass in a taxi, and then the next week I made some poor decisions, and ended up getting my iPod stolen as well. It has definitely been a learning experience, but everything seemed to be going wrong, and it threw me into a sort of despair, which, if you know me, is a very unnatural state for me. Then, on my own, i started changing the way I looked and thought about things, a kind of MENTAL exercise to improve my spirits and get me back in balance. "You're in SPAIN! This is life! Enjoy it! You'll be sad when it's over. . " I got myself out of the house and made a point to be productive and meet up with friends. I felt better, I went to bed that night assuming things had approved, that the next morning, I would get up, go to the Rastro, mass, and get a calamari bocadillo, and things would get even better. But that morning I woke up still miserable. I really didn't like life, didn't like myself, and dreaded getting up because I would just have to face failures and disappointments I didn't want to think about. But I did end up getting up, and getting out (although 2 hours later than planned). And I went to the Rastro (huge flea-market type thing). Then I went to Mass. And that is when everything changed. It was in Spanish, and with the echoes in the big church (San Cayetano) it is difficult to hear anyway, so I didn't quite understand. But I could feel that I was in the presence of God, and I basically had my own personal time with Him while I was there. And more than ever I prayed and meant that prayer before communion, "Lord I am not worthy to receive you, but only say the word and I shall be healed." Well I was. And I'm figuring out that that wierd time of despair was and is truly a spiritual imbalance. I'm getting balanced again. And I am happy, not because I have changed my mind or perspective but because God has set my spirit right. So please pray for me!God is good. That's really all that I want to tell you. :)
Not exactly an update. . .Considering I haven't updated since, well, June. . .I think there would be a bit too much to write with only a few minutes at my hands. I just wanted to write down a few thoughts to share with those few of you who still check this blog with the hope that maybe, just maybe, I have actually updated for once. Something that has really been made real to me over the last couple of weeks is the existence of the spiritual realm, and how greatly it affects the physical realm, basically how it affects EVERYTHING. I mean, not that I did not know it was real, but if you're anything like me, there is necessity for reminder every once in a while. These last couple weeks I have just fallen into sort of a depression, and a lot different than before. I lost my camera and transportation pass in a taxi, and then the next week I made some poor decisions, and ended up getting my iPod stolen as well. It has definitely been a learning experience, but everything seemed to be going wrong, and it threw me into a sort of despair, which, if you know me, is a very unnatural state for me. Then, on my own, i started changing the way I looked and thought about things, a kind of MENTAL exercise to improve my spirits and get me back in balance. "You're in SPAIN! This is life! Enjoy it! You'll be sad when it's over. . " I got myself out of the house and made a point to be productive and meet up with friends. I felt better, I went to bed that night assuming things had approved, that the next morning, I would get up, go to the Rastro, mass, and get a calamari bocadillo, and things would get even better. But that morning I woke up still miserable. I really didn't like life, didn't like myself, and dreaded getting up because I would just have to face failures and disappointments I didn't want to think about. But I did end up getting up, and getting out (although 2 hours later than planned). And I went to the Rastro (huge flea-market type thing). Then I went to Mass. And that is when everything changed. It was in Spanish, and with the echoes in the big church (San Cayetano) it is difficult to hear anyway, so I didn't quite understand. But I could feel that I was in the presence of God, and I basically had my own personal time with Him while I was there. And more than ever I prayed and meant that prayer before communion, "Lord I am not worthy to receive you, but only say the word and I shall be healed." Well I was. And I'm figuring out that that wierd time of despair was and is truly a spiritual imbalance. I'm getting balanced again. And I am happy, not because I have changed my mind or perspective but because God has set my spirit right. So please pray for me!God is good. That's really all that I want to tell you. :)
May 30, 2006
big falls craziness and other good times
Ok soo this is my day today:
Went to sleep at 1:30 or so . . .after watching X-3 and Poseidon (gag) at the drive-in. It was good company, all "cozy" tucked in the bed of the truck with 4 other people. and good to finally have Rachel back home!! plus Kyle had extra speakers that we stuck on top of the truck which made the movie experience that much more enjoyable. i've never been able to hear the sound at the drive-in so well! too bad it didnt really matter if you heard the lines because the second movie. . .just good enough to laugh at. . .
and then apparently i had the morning shift. . .i told a co-worker last week that i would work the shift for her if absolutely no one else could do it. and to call me if she needed me to do it. well she apparently proceeded to fill in my name for me on the schedule. . .i was at spirit west coast all weekend and hadnt been to the pool since thursday. . so i get a call at 5:15 from teeny wondering why i wasnt at work (because i tend to get there at 4:45 on a regular basis). . .and i go in and see my name on the schedule. . .a name i didn't write. oh i was thrilled. but the morning was gorgeous, i was happy to be awake anyway.
THEN it was finally a trip out to big falls (just the first waterfall, didn't have time to go up higher). i jumped off a 15 foot ledge twice before being daring enough to jump off the 20 foot one where it looks like you're going to hit the cliff. . .and then a tree. . hah it was awesome. and the way there it is a long dirt road with a bunch of creek crossings. we took kyles (insanely muddy - only semi-clean spot is a couple half-circles on the windshield) ford ranger again and tore up some mud pits, did some hill climbing, and even got stuck pretty bad on the way out in another mud pit we found - we went a little far - into some mud and brush and cactuses???? (no joke) past the mudpit. someone had dumped the cactuses there apparently.
oh and p.s. i basically sat in poison oak when i was clinging to the cliff for dear life before jumping. and climbing the rock back up to the jump you couldnt really avoid it either. i did preventative treatment as best i could but we'll see in a couple days, won't we?
so that basically made my day. :)
then i taught a swim lesson that i took over because the girl couldnt deal with guy instructors. apparently she was a handful so i was called in to take her. one of the guards told her what my suit looked like and before i could even give her my hand to introduce myself she had run up to me and wrapped me in the best hug ever! i had so much fun with her!! its starting out to be a great summer.
so that was my day so far. basically how summer should be. get up early, spend time doing crazy things outdoors (off-roading, hiking, and jumping off 20-foot waterfalls while blasting the country music), doing a little bit of work/playing in the pool, then passing out for an afternoon nap ahh. . .it feels good to be lazy when you've done something crazy
and tonight. . .its a big davinci code movie party. me, laura, garrett, and laura's brother david all finished the book this week so we're headin out to see the movie. we def didn't want to go opening weekend to give it the good box-office ratings haha.
and it was a good day for reading proverbs. i came across one of my favorites (it was the 30th so i read Ch 30).
"Four things are among the smallest on the earth, and yet are exceedingly wise: Ants - a species not strong, yet they store up their food in the summer;Rock-badgers - a species not mighty, yet they make their home in the crags;Locusts - they have no king, yet they migrate all in array;Lizards - you can catch them with your hands, yet they find their way into king's palaces."
Proverbs 30: 24-28
big falls craziness and other good times
Ok soo this is my day today:
Went to sleep at 1:30 or so . . .after watching X-3 and Poseidon (gag) at the drive-in. It was good company, all "cozy" tucked in the bed of the truck with 4 other people. and good to finally have Rachel back home!! plus Kyle had extra speakers that we stuck on top of the truck which made the movie experience that much more enjoyable. i've never been able to hear the sound at the drive-in so well! too bad it didnt really matter if you heard the lines because the second movie. . .just good enough to laugh at. . .
and then apparently i had the morning shift. . .i told a co-worker last week that i would work the shift for her if absolutely no one else could do it. and to call me if she needed me to do it. well she apparently proceeded to fill in my name for me on the schedule. . .i was at spirit west coast all weekend and hadnt been to the pool since thursday. . so i get a call at 5:15 from teeny wondering why i wasnt at work (because i tend to get there at 4:45 on a regular basis). . .and i go in and see my name on the schedule. . .a name i didn't write. oh i was thrilled. but the morning was gorgeous, i was happy to be awake anyway.
THEN it was finally a trip out to big falls (just the first waterfall, didn't have time to go up higher). i jumped off a 15 foot ledge twice before being daring enough to jump off the 20 foot one where it looks like you're going to hit the cliff. . .and then a tree. . hah it was awesome. and the way there it is a long dirt road with a bunch of creek crossings. we took kyles (insanely muddy - only semi-clean spot is a couple half-circles on the windshield) ford ranger again and tore up some mud pits, did some hill climbing, and even got stuck pretty bad on the way out in another mud pit we found - we went a little far - into some mud and brush and cactuses???? (no joke) past the mudpit. someone had dumped the cactuses there apparently.
oh and p.s. i basically sat in poison oak when i was clinging to the cliff for dear life before jumping. and climbing the rock back up to the jump you couldnt really avoid it either. i did preventative treatment as best i could but we'll see in a couple days, won't we?
so that basically made my day. :)
then i taught a swim lesson that i took over because the girl couldnt deal with guy instructors. apparently she was a handful so i was called in to take her. one of the guards told her what my suit looked like and before i could even give her my hand to introduce myself she had run up to me and wrapped me in the best hug ever! i had so much fun with her!! its starting out to be a great summer.
so that was my day so far. basically how summer should be. get up early, spend time doing crazy things outdoors (off-roading, hiking, and jumping off 20-foot waterfalls while blasting the country music), doing a little bit of work/playing in the pool, then passing out for an afternoon nap ahh. . .it feels good to be lazy when you've done something crazy
and tonight. . .its a big davinci code movie party. me, laura, garrett, and laura's brother david all finished the book this week so we're headin out to see the movie. we def didn't want to go opening weekend to give it the good box-office ratings haha.
and it was a good day for reading proverbs. i came across one of my favorites (it was the 30th so i read Ch 30).
"Four things are among the smallest on the earth, and yet are exceedingly wise: Ants - a species not strong, yet they store up their food in the summer;Rock-badgers - a species not mighty, yet they make their home in the crags;Locusts - they have no king, yet they migrate all in array;Lizards - you can catch them with your hands, yet they find their way into king's palaces."
Proverbs 30: 24-28
April 14, 2006
IF I COULD RETURN THERE
I first met him
On that chaotic day two thousand years ago
That changed the world
?Jesus of Nazareth, King of the Jews
IF you really are the Son of God, why doesn?t God save you now??
I spat in his face
And I crucified him
I forced my cruel crown upon his head
And embedded ruthless shards of metal
And glass
Into his torn, raw and bleeding back
And I crucified him.
I struck him in the face
And in the stomach
Waited for him to cry
But he just gazed at me
And his only tears
Were the streams of blood
Rolling from his forehead
So I crucified him.
Forgive her, for she knows now what she does
I pressed the cross into his body
And shoved him along the path to Calvary
Where I crucified him.
As malicious splinters lost themselves
In his opened back
I crucified him.
I drove the very nails that ripped through his wrists,
And while he cried out to me,
You will know your Father in heaven because of me
If you just remember, I still love you
And I have already forgiven you for what you have done
I drove the spear through his lifeless ribs.
They ask me today,
?Had I been there?
Would I have helped Him carry His cross?
?Had I been there?
Would I have defended Him against the soldiers?
I always answer yes.
But the truth is, I was there
And I did not love Him
But on the third day He did rise
And He sought me out
Behind locked doors
He called to me,
You, the one who murdered me
Are also the one I died for
And my promise still remains
If you will only let me live within you.
And I know now
?If I could return there?
I would deny myself
And take up the cross
In the name of the One who loved me
Despite all that I had done.
IF I COULD RETURN THERE
I first met him
On that chaotic day two thousand years ago
That changed the world
?Jesus of Nazareth, King of the Jews
IF you really are the Son of God, why doesn?t God save you now??
I spat in his face
And I crucified him
I forced my cruel crown upon his head
And embedded ruthless shards of metal
And glass
Into his torn, raw and bleeding back
And I crucified him.
I struck him in the face
And in the stomach
Waited for him to cry
But he just gazed at me
And his only tears
Were the streams of blood
Rolling from his forehead
So I crucified him.
Forgive her, for she knows now what she does
I pressed the cross into his body
And shoved him along the path to Calvary
Where I crucified him.
As malicious splinters lost themselves
In his opened back
I crucified him.
I drove the very nails that ripped through his wrists,
And while he cried out to me,
You will know your Father in heaven because of me
If you just remember, I still love you
And I have already forgiven you for what you have done
I drove the spear through his lifeless ribs.
They ask me today,
?Had I been there?
Would I have helped Him carry His cross?
?Had I been there?
Would I have defended Him against the soldiers?
I always answer yes.
But the truth is, I was there
And I did not love Him
But on the third day He did rise
And He sought me out
Behind locked doors
He called to me,
You, the one who murdered me
Are also the one I died for
And my promise still remains
If you will only let me live within you.
And I know now
?If I could return there?
I would deny myself
And take up the cross
In the name of the One who loved me
Despite all that I had done.
April 13, 2006
So. . .yeah. All the days that have followed spring break have just been a foggy blur. There's some moments that stand out but for the most part I don't really remember anything I've really gotten done since the first half of the semester. At some points I thought that I might be depressed, but i thought, "no way, not me. depressed? what reason could I possibly have to be depressed?" And that is what was most frustrating. Because I have it good. And yet, I was unusually unhappy. I really was depressed.
At CCF Tues night, the day I thought I might be doing a little bit better, because I had talked to Coach about water polo and had some time to refocus myself, we sang this song: Day after Day
Day after day, I'll seek to find youDay after day I'll wait for youThe deeper I go the more I love your name So keep my heart pure and my ways true As I follow you Keep my humble I'll stay mindful Of your mercies Lord I'll cherish your word I'll seek your presence I'll chase after you with all I have For one day I'll know I'll see you face to face Keep my heart pure and my ways true As I follow you Keep my humble I'll stay mindful Of your mercies Lord
Now I know the first two lines are supposed to be me singing to God. But for some reason, this time, from my perspective it was God singing to me. I was feeling that day after day was just the same frustrations and tiredness, that really, day was coming after day and i couldn't and didn't want to try to keep up. God was telling me that day after day he was seeking me, waiting for me to just trust in him, and telling me everywhere I turn that He loves me.
As for the rest of the song. The first verse: keep me humble, i'll stay mindful of your mercies Lord. I have realized that that is what God has been teaching me recently. He has been keeping me humble so that I can realized the true blessing it is to even have the opportunities I have, with school, with water polo, and so much more. And to have a pure heart is to have a heart with only one focus: Christ.
And then, the second verse. I just started crying. Because I have not been cherishing His word. I have not been seeking his presence, or chasing after Him with all I have. And as much as the Lord waits for me, and chases after me, if I am not also running towards him, we'll stay forever apart, and I'll only get tireder and tireder from all that running.
After singing that song, Chris then basically described exactly how I had felt the past few weeks as he spoke to the group about the song "I Exalt Thee." And truly, just singing that song (well, I couldnt actually sing cuz i was crying) helped me release a lot of that fog that had surrounded me, because I just gave it to God.
So I'd definitely appreciate your prayers. That I may not make things so difficult and complicated but just rejoice and take peace in the simple love and sovereignty of God.
. . .and have a great Easter everyone. The weather here in NY is beautiful! I am finally wearing a skirt. The window is wide open, I've got the country music blasting, and we have discovered that other people actually do live in the houses around us cuz everyone has doors open and music playing. It's a good day.
So. . .yeah. All the days that have followed spring break have just been a foggy blur. There's some moments that stand out but for the most part I don't really remember anything I've really gotten done since the first half of the semester. At some points I thought that I might be depressed, but i thought, "no way, not me. depressed? what reason could I possibly have to be depressed?" And that is what was most frustrating. Because I have it good. And yet, I was unusually unhappy. I really was depressed.
At CCF Tues night, the day I thought I might be doing a little bit better, because I had talked to Coach about water polo and had some time to refocus myself, we sang this song: Day after Day
Day after day, I'll seek to find youDay after day I'll wait for youThe deeper I go the more I love your name So keep my heart pure and my ways true As I follow you Keep my humble I'll stay mindful Of your mercies Lord I'll cherish your word I'll seek your presence I'll chase after you with all I have For one day I'll know I'll see you face to face Keep my heart pure and my ways true As I follow you Keep my humble I'll stay mindful Of your mercies Lord
Now I know the first two lines are supposed to be me singing to God. But for some reason, this time, from my perspective it was God singing to me. I was feeling that day after day was just the same frustrations and tiredness, that really, day was coming after day and i couldn't and didn't want to try to keep up. God was telling me that day after day he was seeking me, waiting for me to just trust in him, and telling me everywhere I turn that He loves me.
As for the rest of the song. The first verse: keep me humble, i'll stay mindful of your mercies Lord. I have realized that that is what God has been teaching me recently. He has been keeping me humble so that I can realized the true blessing it is to even have the opportunities I have, with school, with water polo, and so much more. And to have a pure heart is to have a heart with only one focus: Christ.
And then, the second verse. I just started crying. Because I have not been cherishing His word. I have not been seeking his presence, or chasing after Him with all I have. And as much as the Lord waits for me, and chases after me, if I am not also running towards him, we'll stay forever apart, and I'll only get tireder and tireder from all that running.
After singing that song, Chris then basically described exactly how I had felt the past few weeks as he spoke to the group about the song "I Exalt Thee." And truly, just singing that song (well, I couldnt actually sing cuz i was crying) helped me release a lot of that fog that had surrounded me, because I just gave it to God.
So I'd definitely appreciate your prayers. That I may not make things so difficult and complicated but just rejoice and take peace in the simple love and sovereignty of God.
. . .and have a great Easter everyone. The weather here in NY is beautiful! I am finally wearing a skirt. The window is wide open, I've got the country music blasting, and we have discovered that other people actually do live in the houses around us cuz everyone has doors open and music playing. It's a good day.
April 6, 2006
This has been a week of emotional rollercoaster-ing. And there's only dips on this one.
It seems so trivial to talk about what is currently upsetting me, considering the big sadness of this week. . .
This Sunday evening, Rita, the 16-year old sister of my best friend from Jr. High, died in a car accident in my hometown. I think we're all still kind of in shock. It kills me that I can't be there for Sara and her family, and it's so wierd to think that I won't see Rita next time I visit the youth group; I could always count on her familiar face there, even as different kids come and go. I still remember the last time I saw her, she was sooo excited to introduce me to her boyfriend. As it says in the newspapers, she always did have a smile on her face. I know she is home, and it is so comforting to picture her in the presence of the Lord with that big smile of hers. . .but it is definitely hard for the people left behind for now. There really are no words I can say. There was a memorial service tonight, and tomorrow is her funeral. My parents told me the huge Mission was packed. Rita is definitely loved and missed by all.
here is the deepest secret nobody knows(here is the root of the root and the bud of the budand the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which growshigher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars aparti carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)
This has been a week of emotional rollercoaster-ing. And there's only dips on this one.
It seems so trivial to talk about what is currently upsetting me, considering the big sadness of this week. . .
This Sunday evening, Rita, the 16-year old sister of my best friend from Jr. High, died in a car accident in my hometown. I think we're all still kind of in shock. It kills me that I can't be there for Sara and her family, and it's so wierd to think that I won't see Rita next time I visit the youth group; I could always count on her familiar face there, even as different kids come and go. I still remember the last time I saw her, she was sooo excited to introduce me to her boyfriend. As it says in the newspapers, she always did have a smile on her face. I know she is home, and it is so comforting to picture her in the presence of the Lord with that big smile of hers. . .but it is definitely hard for the people left behind for now. There really are no words I can say. There was a memorial service tonight, and tomorrow is her funeral. My parents told me the huge Mission was packed. Rita is definitely loved and missed by all.
here is the deepest secret nobody knows(here is the root of the root and the bud of the budand the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which growshigher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars aparti carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)
March 30, 2006
SPRING BREAK - Polo team came to SLO, got to play another game in my HS pool, it snowed in Pismo, there was a shooting at Denny's, a car chase and hijacking, some guy with a gun in an RV in the hospital parking lot. . .or something, line dancing and farmer's, a beautiful hike giving me my new favorite view of San Luis Obispo (and Pismo, and Morro Bay at that), getting beat by Joe at e.r.s. (it's been a LONG time since i've lost that game).
LAST WEEKEND:
I discovered that without Christ I am a jealous, envious, bitter, ungrateful person with little faith. It all came out last Sunday and I am ever in awe of God's mercy and grace.
THE REASON I WAS INSPIRED TO WRITE TONIGHT:
First truly warm day of spring.
There's poo coming out of the showers in E-block.
Someone broke into the boiler room and there was a power outage.
Can't get the boiler fixed - no hot water til probably tomorrow afternoon, and i haven't taken a shower since getting out of the pool.
I also refuse to take cold showers unless I am in Mexico.
So I am taking charge, defying the forces of mischief and inconvenience. I am boiling water - one teapot and one huge pot of it. I rinsed out our mop bucket, which I will fill with a mix of boiled and cold water. and i am taking my shower.
SPRING BREAK - Polo team came to SLO, got to play another game in my HS pool, it snowed in Pismo, there was a shooting at Denny's, a car chase and hijacking, some guy with a gun in an RV in the hospital parking lot. . .or something, line dancing and farmer's, a beautiful hike giving me my new favorite view of San Luis Obispo (and Pismo, and Morro Bay at that), getting beat by Joe at e.r.s. (it's been a LONG time since i've lost that game).
LAST WEEKEND:
I discovered that without Christ I am a jealous, envious, bitter, ungrateful person with little faith. It all came out last Sunday and I am ever in awe of God's mercy and grace.
THE REASON I WAS INSPIRED TO WRITE TONIGHT:
First truly warm day of spring.
There's poo coming out of the showers in E-block.
Someone broke into the boiler room and there was a power outage.
Can't get the boiler fixed - no hot water til probably tomorrow afternoon, and i haven't taken a shower since getting out of the pool.
I also refuse to take cold showers unless I am in Mexico.
So I am taking charge, defying the forces of mischief and inconvenience. I am boiling water - one teapot and one huge pot of it. I rinsed out our mop bucket, which I will fill with a mix of boiled and cold water. and i am taking my shower.
February 15, 2006
Just wanted to remember an idea for when i get bored = SLINKY + ESCALATOR.
thanks Justin.
Ok so Michelle updates the quotes that we constantly produce here at G8 in her AIM Profile. . .thought I'd start relaying those updates on Xanga cuz they're pretty funny.
"I never really thought that chefs wore shoes." - alicia
"who garnishes a water with a banana?" - ashley
"You do know you have post-it notes in your hair...?" - jessica
"only God can create six kinds of nuts." - jordie
"Jesus is my boyfriend, forever." - katy
"I just got into a fight with the condiments." -michelle
Just wanted to remember an idea for when i get bored = SLINKY + ESCALATOR.
thanks Justin.
Ok so Michelle updates the quotes that we constantly produce here at G8 in her AIM Profile. . .thought I'd start relaying those updates on Xanga cuz they're pretty funny.
"I never really thought that chefs wore shoes." - alicia
"who garnishes a water with a banana?" - ashley
"You do know you have post-it notes in your hair...?" - jessica
"only God can create six kinds of nuts." - jordie
"Jesus is my boyfriend, forever." - katy
"I just got into a fight with the condiments." -michelle
February 26, 2006
do you think Jesus would have shoveled snow?i encourage comments and discussion here.
reference Billy Collins' "Shoveling Snow With Buddah" - that's what prompted the question. we discussed in class whether or not Christians would be offended if the poem had been "Shoveling Snow With Jesus"
do you think Jesus would have shoveled snow?i encourage comments and discussion here.
reference Billy Collins' "Shoveling Snow With Buddah" - that's what prompted the question. we discussed in class whether or not Christians would be offended if the poem had been "Shoveling Snow With Jesus"
February 2, 2006
BraveNicole Nordeman
The gate is wideThe road is paved in moderationThe crowd is kind and quick to pull you inWelcome to the middle groundYou're safe and sound andUntil now it's where I've been'Cause it's been fear that ties me down to everythingBut it's been love, Your love, that cuts the stringsSo long status quoI think I just let goYou make me want to be braveThe way it always was Is no longer good enoughYou make me want to be braveBrave, braveI am smallAnd I speak when I'm spoken toBut I am willing to risk it allI say Your nameJust Your name and I'm ready to jumpEven ready to fall...Why did I take this vow of compromise?Why did I try to keep it all inside?So long status quoI think I just let goYou make me want to be braveThe way it always was Is no longer good enoughYou make me want to be braveBrave, braveI've never known a fire that didn't begin with a flameEvery storm will start with just a drop of rain
But if you believe in meThat changes everything
So long, I'm goneSo long status quoI think I just let goYou make me want to be braveI wanna be braveThe way it always was Is no longer good enoughYou make me want to be braveBrave, brave
What I set out in bold is what really stands out for me in this song. It's easy, at least it has been for me, to think that being a Christian is complicated. That true spirituality is complicated. That to be sure of your "Christian-ness" you have to be doing the right things, know the Bible inside and out, know exactly what everyone you've ever met needs prayer for and make sure you don't forget to include them in prayer.
But what does it all come back to, and where does it all start? It's NOTHING without Jesus. He's our only assurance of salvation!!
If we believe in Him, that changes everything.
You know why sometimes those of us who grew up in Christian homes, who really didn't have this "amazing" or "exciting" story of coming to Christ, think that maybe we really aren't as Christian as those who did (or maybe its just me)? I think it's because it's a lot easier for us to forget how simple the whole matter is.
1 John 2:23
Whoever denies the Son does not have the Father; just as the one who confesses the Son has the Father.
1 John 3:23
This is His commandment, that we believe in the name of His Son Jesus Christ, and love one another, just as He commanded us.
BraveNicole Nordeman
The gate is wideThe road is paved in moderationThe crowd is kind and quick to pull you inWelcome to the middle groundYou're safe and sound andUntil now it's where I've been'Cause it's been fear that ties me down to everythingBut it's been love, Your love, that cuts the stringsSo long status quoI think I just let goYou make me want to be braveThe way it always was Is no longer good enoughYou make me want to be braveBrave, braveI am smallAnd I speak when I'm spoken toBut I am willing to risk it allI say Your nameJust Your name and I'm ready to jumpEven ready to fall...Why did I take this vow of compromise?Why did I try to keep it all inside?So long status quoI think I just let goYou make me want to be braveThe way it always was Is no longer good enoughYou make me want to be braveBrave, braveI've never known a fire that didn't begin with a flameEvery storm will start with just a drop of rain
But if you believe in meThat changes everything
So long, I'm goneSo long status quoI think I just let goYou make me want to be braveI wanna be braveThe way it always was Is no longer good enoughYou make me want to be braveBrave, brave
What I set out in bold is what really stands out for me in this song. It's easy, at least it has been for me, to think that being a Christian is complicated. That true spirituality is complicated. That to be sure of your "Christian-ness" you have to be doing the right things, know the Bible inside and out, know exactly what everyone you've ever met needs prayer for and make sure you don't forget to include them in prayer.
But what does it all come back to, and where does it all start? It's NOTHING without Jesus. He's our only assurance of salvation!!
If we believe in Him, that changes everything.
You know why sometimes those of us who grew up in Christian homes, who really didn't have this "amazing" or "exciting" story of coming to Christ, think that maybe we really aren't as Christian as those who did (or maybe its just me)? I think it's because it's a lot easier for us to forget how simple the whole matter is.
1 John 2:23
Whoever denies the Son does not have the Father; just as the one who confesses the Son has the Father.
1 John 3:23
This is His commandment, that we believe in the name of His Son Jesus Christ, and love one another, just as He commanded us.
December 14, 2005
Just a little something to end the day: a blog i wrote in myspace back early November. just a little reminder for all of us.
i need words
what we say:
I need words
As wide as sky
And I need a language large as
This longing inside
And I need a voice
Bigger than mine
I need a song to sing You
That I've yet to find.
I need You
I need You
To be here now.
(David Crowder Band: I Need Words)
what God says:
I AM the Word
As wide as sky
I AM the Language large as
Your longing inside.
I AM the Voice.
Bigger than yours
And I AM the Song for you to
Sing 'cause you're mine.
And I love you.
And I want you.
To be here now.
Just a little something to end the day: a blog i wrote in myspace back early November. just a little reminder for all of us.
i need words
what we say:
I need words
As wide as sky
And I need a language large as
This longing inside
And I need a voice
Bigger than mine
I need a song to sing You
That I've yet to find.
I need You
I need You
To be here now.
(David Crowder Band: I Need Words)
what God says:
I AM the Word
As wide as sky
I AM the Language large as
Your longing inside.
I AM the Voice.
Bigger than yours
And I AM the Song for you to
Sing 'cause you're mine.
And I love you.
And I want you.
To be here now.
December 10, 2005. . .just for fun.
quotes!!
Jordie: "I don't really get nicknames. I don't really have a funny name."
Ashley: ". . .your last name is Yap.."
Me: "You do not bake cookies. You cook them. Otherwise they would be called bakies. . .helllooo."
Eric: (after i edited a 6 page paper) "your an english nerd.your the best frend a dyslexic could have" -talking about the editing program i used on Microsoft Word
quotes!!
Jordie: "I don't really get nicknames. I don't really have a funny name."
Ashley: ". . .your last name is Yap.."
Me: "You do not bake cookies. You cook them. Otherwise they would be called bakies. . .helllooo."
Eric: (after i edited a 6 page paper) "your an english nerd.your the best frend a dyslexic could have" -talking about the editing program i used on Microsoft Word
December 10, 2005
i have an empty picture frame on my desk.
the picture should have been taken out 2 months ago i just "didn't have the time," plus i stopped noticing it was there.
i was going to write this blog to comment that i didnt know if i should leave it empty, just take it off all together, or put something else in it (we're talking symbolism here, everyone)
but just as i thought of it, i realized the only thing that made sense to do with it.
something else is going in it. someone else. who? ah, yes, of course.
who else?
i have an empty picture frame on my desk.
the picture should have been taken out 2 months ago i just "didn't have the time," plus i stopped noticing it was there.
i was going to write this blog to comment that i didnt know if i should leave it empty, just take it off all together, or put something else in it (we're talking symbolism here, everyone)
but just as i thought of it, i realized the only thing that made sense to do with it.
something else is going in it. someone else. who? ah, yes, of course.
who else?
From December 8, 2005
Anyway, just last night I went to the college bible study at Calvary. We talked about the story of Jesus raising Lazarus from the dead in John Chapter 11. The point that is important in this blog is that Christ was purposefully four days late to see Lazarus. Martha tells him that if he had just come when she called, Lazarus would not have died. However, Jesus had waited. Why? It says in verse 14: ". . .Lazarus has died. And I am glad for you that I was not there, that you may believe. Let us go to him."
We talked that night about how Jesus waited so that his glory would be shown in such a greater way by raising Lazarus from the dead than by simply healing his sickness. Nobody but the Lord could take credit for bringing Lazarus to life. Martha could not even say "oh, I called Jesus and he came, so my actions prevented Lazarus from dying." (not to say she would say that, but even so, others might praise her actions and not the healing power of Christ).
So Jesus was four days late. But he was glorified in that, he showed that he is "the resurrection and the life" (v. 25)! So we asked ourselves the question: In what part of our lives does it seem like God is four days late?
Anyway, just last night I went to the college bible study at Calvary. We talked about the story of Jesus raising Lazarus from the dead in John Chapter 11. The point that is important in this blog is that Christ was purposefully four days late to see Lazarus. Martha tells him that if he had just come when she called, Lazarus would not have died. However, Jesus had waited. Why? It says in verse 14: ". . .Lazarus has died. And I am glad for you that I was not there, that you may believe. Let us go to him."
We talked that night about how Jesus waited so that his glory would be shown in such a greater way by raising Lazarus from the dead than by simply healing his sickness. Nobody but the Lord could take credit for bringing Lazarus to life. Martha could not even say "oh, I called Jesus and he came, so my actions prevented Lazarus from dying." (not to say she would say that, but even so, others might praise her actions and not the healing power of Christ).
So Jesus was four days late. But he was glorified in that, he showed that he is "the resurrection and the life" (v. 25)! So we asked ourselves the question: In what part of our lives does it seem like God is four days late?
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