April 13, 2006


So. . .yeah. All the days that have followed spring break have just been a foggy blur. There's some moments that stand out but for the most part I don't really remember anything I've really gotten done since the first half of the semester. At some points I thought that I might be depressed, but i thought, "no way, not me. depressed? what reason could I possibly have to be depressed?" And that is what was most frustrating. Because I have it good. And yet, I was unusually unhappy. I really was depressed.
At CCF Tues night, the day I thought I might be doing a little bit better, because I had talked to Coach about water polo and had some time to refocus myself, we sang this song: Day after Day
Day after day, I'll seek to find youDay after day I'll wait for youThe deeper I go the more I love your name So keep my heart pure and my ways true As I follow you Keep my humble I'll stay mindful Of your mercies Lord I'll cherish your word I'll seek your presence I'll chase after you with all I have For one day I'll know I'll see you face to face Keep my heart pure and my ways true As I follow you Keep my humble I'll stay mindful Of your mercies Lord
Now I know the first two lines are supposed to be me singing to God. But for some reason, this time, from my perspective it was God singing to me. I was feeling that day after day was just the same frustrations and tiredness, that really, day was coming after day and i couldn't and didn't want to try to keep up. God was telling me that day after day he was seeking me, waiting for me to just trust in him, and telling me everywhere I turn that He loves me.
As for the rest of the song. The first verse: keep me humble, i'll stay mindful of your mercies Lord. I have realized that that is what God has been teaching me recently. He has been keeping me humble so that I can realized the true blessing it is to even have the opportunities I have, with school, with water polo, and so much more. And to have a pure heart is to have a heart with only one focus: Christ.
And then, the second verse. I just started crying. Because I have not been cherishing His word. I have not been seeking his presence, or chasing after Him with all I have. And as much as the Lord waits for me, and chases after me, if I am not also running towards him, we'll stay forever apart, and I'll only get tireder and tireder from all that running.
After singing that song, Chris then basically described exactly how I had felt the past few weeks as he spoke to the group about the song "I Exalt Thee." And truly, just singing that song (well, I couldnt actually sing cuz i was crying) helped me release a lot of that fog that had surrounded me, because I just gave it to God.
So I'd definitely appreciate your prayers. That I may not make things so difficult and complicated but just rejoice and take peace in the simple love and sovereignty of God.

. . .and have a great Easter everyone. The weather here in NY is beautiful! I am finally wearing a skirt. The window is wide open, I've got the country music blasting, and we have discovered that other people actually do live in the houses around us cuz everyone has doors open and music playing. It's a good day.